Growth

How many times have you yourself been uncomfortable by the way things are changing? I know for me every couple of months things are going great then, all of a sudden, I’m thrown into chaos.

I’m not talking about that easy growth, that “flower blooming,” I’m talking about that skin prickly "what is going on!?" burning sensation of what I knew is a lie. This is an incredibly hard position to be in; I’m not even sure what the the answer or solution is, but I’m going to write about what has helped me in my experience.

Since the day I was born my life was in straight chaos, growing up with an alcoholic mother, thrown into foster care, then dropped off from house to house never knowing when I would see a familiar face again. This chaos threw me in a deep torture of "who am I?", "what is going on?," "what is going to happen to me!?" For a two year old, that’s a lot. But during these times of unmanageability and fear, sprouted some of my fondest memories from childhood. Where I got the opportunity to play with so many loved ones, even though they weren’t blood related, I had 10+ siblings, and even more parents (I joke that every mother’s day is a struggle, not because my biological mom wasn’t there, but because I have so many moms to be thankful for!)

Your wondering why I’ve shared my story with you, but it’s because I have faced so much that I, even though going through so much, am reminded of my resilience, and bravery. For when I was a child I didn’t know if my origins, I just thought my parents were divorced. And it didn’t come crashing down until I turned 15, and out of the flood gates came this news that I as a two year old could not be handled by the people who loved me. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me? Was I to blame? Of course not, but to this day I feel as if I am.

After high school I went to university, nothing special just some beginners classes in some fields I was interested in, and that very core belief that something was wrong with me caught up to me, and there was no other way to cope than to do exactly as my mother did: drink. And at first everything was good, I got that liquid courage where I could dominate anything in my path, that I had purpose, that I was worthy ( as long as I had my drink). I quickly came spiraling and lost the control after a couple drinks with friends, and became this demon of insanity, who thought for people to like me I needed to be drunk. After a couple of months of burning my life and relationship to the ground I thankfully started my recovery in a trauma based treatment program where I learned I am not alone in my journey.

After a year of working multiple 12 step programs, with a couple of relapses, I find myself in a stagnant place. Shouldn’t my life be better? Shouldn’t I love myself? The answer is no. And the reason behind this is because I deal with a disease that is more frightening than hell itself. I deal with the disease of addiction where my brain is constantly looking for a solution to minimize myself.

Let’s go back to that prickly, harsh growth I was talking about in the beginning. My story has taught me that life isn’t fair, not it’s easy. So I have to turn them others to help me get away from that painful growth. I turn to friends, families, doctors, counselors, and anything that will give a bit of relief to what I am fighting with. I’ve learned that I can’t do this alone but as long as I have someone to walk with me through this journey I know that it’s worth it.