Guys, It's Alright

In today's world we are faced with a lot of people having trouble with mental health; more often than not, it's depression. When suffering from mental health troubles, people will often lash out at others without good reasoning, and most times, without even realizing it. As a result, we see things like, abusive relationships, family fights, and friendships ruined. That being said, I think the biggest problem with these mental health struggles is, admitting to yourself and others that you're are facing the problems. Although others may see you acting irregularly, only YOU know how you truly feel and what you are experiencing. Everyone has a predetermined notion that if you seek help you automatically show that you are weak. I have personally noticed this tends to happen with men... A LOT... Men naturally have a sub-conscious that tells them,"I don't need help; I can do this myself." Well, let me explain to you why you might want to rethink it guys.

I have bipolar II disorder, commonly known as manic depressive, and was diagnosed as a sophomore in high school. I was dating a wonderful girl that meant the world to me, but unfortunately, I didn't seem to be doing a good job showing it. We were constantly arguing, fighting, and I couldn't control my emotions. Some fights I would scream and yell and lose my shit, others I would shut down and cry. It was a roller coaster that had lost control completely. Every morning I woke up, it was a total crapshoot of what mood I would be in; depressed, happy, pissed off, energized, happy, etc. There was one fight in specific that I will never forget because it led me to completely rethink my ability to control my emotions.

We were in the car on our way to Guitar Center, so I could look at possibly getting another drum set, or guitar, or bass, or all of the above, haha. We were singing along to music and having the most phenomenal concert in history! Everything was going great and it was looking like this was going to be a really fun trip to look at musical instruments and equipment. Well....that completely change before I could blink my eyes.

We finally arrived and as I went to get out of the car, she said, "Babe, don't forget your wallet," and she held it out for me to grab.

Pause. A simple innocent act of her being nice enough to remind to get my wallet, that always manages to disappear still to this day, and most people would be thankful and have a nice response. That is exactly the opposite of what happened.

Without having a chance to even digest what she said, I screamed across the car, directly in front of the entrance and in front of quite a few people, "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU JUST PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING PURSE?!"

To my surprise, she remained rather calm and walked over to me assuring me it was okay, I didn't need to get so worked up, and that I needed to take a breath and lower my voice. Well, that didn't seem to get through to my brain very well. I continued to launch ridiculous comments, slanders, and even commands! It was not a good situation. I was being verbally abusive and borderline physically abusive. We did our browsing at Guitar Center very swiftly, got back in the car, and started to make our way home. She dropped me off at my house, against all outbursts I had objecting to that decision, and proceeded home. Pause. There were so many things wrong with this situation, especially considering I was only fifteen! This had not been the first time, but it seemed to be the worst. I have always morals against being abusive towards anyone, especially women, in any way, shape, or form.

About a week had now gone by, and we had a few more stupid little arguments, disagreements, and shouting matches. I remember waking up on a Monday morning, and was absolutely dead; couldn't find the energy to get out of bed, to shower, brush my teeth, put clothes on, not a damn thing. After laying in bed staring at the ceiling for a long while, I finally got up threw clothes and headed out the door to go to school. It was a long and slow day; I meandered about the campus going to my classes, not talking, not having any emotion or enthusiasm about anything. I hardly even said a word to my friends, including my girlfriend! By the end of school I felt like I had run a marathon, and then some, I was exhausted.

After school, me and girlfriend walked back to her house to try to relax and do our homework. We hadn't even set our backpacks down on the floor in her room, and I burst into tears, with absolutely no warning signs leading up to it. She immediately embraced me to try and calm me down and figure out what the fuck had just happened. I expressed how sorry I was for how I had been treating her, how I felt I couldn't control it, how I couldn't control my emotions, feelings, or outbursts. After I delivered my long and drawn-out rant, she recommended I see a psychologist. To no surprise, I immediately went on the defense and told how ridiculous I thought her idea was. Well, she now had the floor and her spiel began. She explained how I had been treating everyone terrible, especially her. I was starting to be unable to participate in the simplest events that I would usually be the first one to jump into. After our multiple hours of talking, I decided I would go see someone and see what they had to say.

I was able to schedule an appointment for about a week later. I filled out the silly little worksheet/quiz, gathering information on what I was experiencing, if I heard voices in my head, if I had thought about or attempted suicide, etc. After waiting for some time while the doctor reviewed my worksheet, she called my mother and I back into her office. We continued to spend quite a bit of time talking to her, explaining everything that had been happening; outbursts, extreme emotions that were back and forth, my suicidal thoughts (including one attempt and multiple well thought plans) and my overall dramatic change in attitude and daily activities. She explained how I showed major symptoms of depression, however, with the flip side of my extreme moments of happiness and anger she noted that most people would be diagnosed with depression. She recommended I try a medication for treatment of manic depressive symptoms, and of course, I thought she was crazy. She continued to explain the similarities and differences between clinical depression and manic depressive treatments, and how the incorrect treatment of bipolar II as depression usually cause increased symptoms, and the outcomes were not good, to say the least.

I took some time to think about it, discussed it with my parents and my girlfriend. After pushing aside all my sub-conscious notions of how weak and pathetic I would be if I decided to take medication, I started a trial of a prescription that assist with management my emotions. Oddly enough, the medication was an "anti-seizure" prescription that studies showed to help mellow out the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster that is bipolar II disorder.

It has been a handful of years since then, and I am still on this medication today, and I don't even notice I take it anymore. It had become part of my daily routine and has absolutely no effect on how I view myself, or how others view me as a person, or as a man.

Enough about me, let's get to the purpose of why I am sharing this story, because it is very simple in itself.

YOU ARE NOT ANY WEAKER AS A PERSON IF YOU SEEK HELP! It doesn't make you "less of a man," it doesn't make you a coward, or a loser or a pussy. It means you are strong enough to:

1. Identify and acknowledge a problem within yourself
2. Make a conscious effort to prove to yourself that you are worth enough to make it better, and
3. Understand that you too, are indeed a human, and no human is perfect, we all need help at some point in our lives.

To all you guys out there reading this, listen up! Throw away all your stupid, idiotic, and ridiculous predetermined notions of what it means to "be a man." Regardless of male, female, transgender, or whatever you choose to identify as, you are human. We are all human. Every time you meet someone, the last you think about is, "I wonder if he's a good man," or "I wonder if she is a good woman." No, you look for people who are confident and comfortable with themselves; who they are, who they've been, and who they will grow to be. I can't speak for everyone, but I think the most beautiful quality anyone can have is confidence in themselves. It shows strength, courage, and bravery. More importantly, it will show that everyone has their own inner demons to deal with, and those who use the strength to realize the three facts above, will become stronger than they've ever been.

The best strengths you'll ever find will come from the things that make you feel the weakest. Don't forget it.

As always, keep on keeping on and thanks for reading. I'll see y'all next time!

—T-Flo