Happiness

What do you want to be when you grow up?” The famous question asked by relatives, family friends, doctors or teachers, normally accompanied by earnest grins. The question that was once answered with a smile from ear-to-ear, and eyes bright with wonder and aspiration as different career choices were pondered upon meticulously. However, the pubescent years turned to faded memories, and the reality of the world became abrasive. The same question that was once answered with a variety of specialized professions and ambitions, slowly began to be replied with shrugs, tired eyes, and a despondent aura that filled the breathes between conversation.

I didn’t know what occupation I seeked in life. Though, I knew what Depression wanted. Depression, my old friend, wandered aimlessly about my mind, craving to be recognized; to be heard. She would wail into my ear, begging for praise, and tugged at my heart, leaving me temperamental. Depression created a new person that I have never met. When I stood in front of the mirror, I found a stranger staring back; face bleak with disinterest and fine lines permanently engraved in the corners of her mouth that formed a soft, yet seemingly forever, frown. Though, what captured me the most about this person staring back, were her weary eyes. The amount of pure impassivity that saturated her eyes was almost frightening. However, there was also something else hidden behind the coat of sadness: beautiful memories.

The recollection of what happiness was once like was eclipsed behind the clouds of self-doubt, yet it was still there. Memories as simple as laughing heartily at callow jokes or driving alone on an empty, but tranquil road, flooded behind her tired eyes. Nevertheless, the pictures of more complex sources of happiness settled comfortably abaft even the simplest of memories. The recollection of lying on her back in a field of dandelions, the soft rays of warmth that seeped slowly into her skin and the wind that sleepily wove its way through her hair. Although, as quickly as the mirthful reflection appeared, it faded in the wake of the dark cloud, and her eyes once more fell back to the evils of darkness. Though as time continues to pass, the memories of joy began to make more frequent appearances than those of sadness.

While Depression still ached for acknowledgement, I slowly began to regain who I truly was. With small steps, I gradually pushed Depression to the back of my mind, and I no longer associated myself with the unknown girl in the mirror. Instead, I became reacquainted with myself; learning who I was as a person and what I wanted to be. Going through turbulent times, emotionally and mentally, forced me to remember that happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. To think that contentment would magically appear once I became something considered “successful” in a materialistic manner, is childlike and ignorant to what true glee is. So, the age-old question arose once again: “What do you want to be? You’re almost grown up!” This time, my answer was not filled with uncertainty or doubt. Instead, I met the question with the same smile and bright eyes that was once accompanied with my childlike answers years before: “Happy. I want to be undeniably happy.”