Psyche is powered by Vocal creators. You support Mardoll Gatsby by reading, sharing and tipping stories... more

Psyche is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.

How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.

How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.

To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.

Show less

Healing Is Not a Yoga Pose

It feels more like alcohol being poured onto an open wound.

Photo by Wei Ding on Unsplash

One thing that I cannot stand about this "inspiration culture" that millennials have created is that we beautify healing. My generation has made everyone (mostly each other, really) believe that it’s so easy to heal. While it’s liberating to finally be rid of something terrible that consumed your life for so long, it’s also extremely brutal to recover and stay disconnected from it. For me, it’s so weird to not live in the extreme anymore because that used to be my entire life. At one point, I dedicated myself to it. Now, I’m out and away from it, but I’m still trying to process all of it. I'm still trying to recover.

A few newly formers that I know are doing the same. One of them is struggling to find a support system of friends now that he’s out. I know what the feeling of being lost is like, despite having been blessed with amazing friends. However, I’m still struggling with the guilt that is buried deep down inside of me of who I used to be. I continue to be ashamed of the things I’ve said and done back when I was a nationalist. I’m ashamed of what I believed in, and how I allowed so many people to manipulate and control me. There’s some days where it’s easy to process all of this; other days I end up having back to back panic attacks privately or over the phone with a friend because something small set me off.

Healing is not all smiles and inspiration. Sometimes healing feels like pouring alcohol on your wounds instead of down your throat to numb the pain. It’s honestly easier to be comfortable in emotional rot and misery than it is to heal. Healing means you let yourself feel everything you’ve been cramming deep, deep, way deep down inside and processing it all. Acknowledging it all. Remembering it all. I have memories I didn’t even know existed that I realized I shoved into the back of my brain because they were too painful to deal with. For example, I remember being in the movement realizing that if a race war were to happen, I’d proudly go out Waco-style to defend my people. I actually embraced that desolate thought. Why? Because I fucking hated myself and I was in so much pain, but I still wanted to be of use to the cause, at the time, that I held near and dear.

I recalled that memory out of the blue when I was writing an email to another friend of mine who’s a former and a mentor to me. When it came up, I wept to myself that night and on and off for weeks. I couldn’t believe that I thought that I was worth so little—that my only use to my beliefs were to just give up my life if I was called to. I remember men that were three times my age manipulating and preying upon me like I was nothing but live stock. I even remember some of the other men threatening me with violence if I stepped a toe out of line. The person who I used to be and the beliefs I associated myself with still bring me shame to this day. I know that I will not feel like this forever, but it’s going to be a while until I can finally feel like I’m not afraid or ashamed anymore. That I can help more people in the future that are or were like me. That I can finally face my old allies, talk with them without anxiety, and see if we can find some middle ground.

I have never felt more light and at peace in my entire life, but peace to someone who’s always lived in a war-like mentality her entire life is so scary. I’m getting a better grip on my depression. I’m also learning how to get a better one on my anxiety. I’m learning how to accomplish goals that I need to get done to be a better person while holding myself accountable to my past and even my present. Every day feels like I’m a fire. But with fire, it purifies you from the old and the unnecessary. Purification is good, but it burns like hell. So even though inspiration culture can be beneficial and great, it also can be very toxic at times. Healing is not like a yoga pose.  That might be one part of it for some, but for the most part, it’s very overwhelming, challenging, painful, and inconvenient. It might not be glamorous, but it’s all for the best and all very necessary.

Now Reading
Healing Is Not a Yoga Pose
Read Next
What Is Bipolar Disorder and How to Treat It