Helping Yourself When Helping a Friend

Recently, great strides have been made with talking about mental health. The Heads Together campaign, together with Prince Harry opening up to Byrony Gordon on her podcast about his own issues, opened the door for mental health to become a topic that can be discussed in the open public sphere. Since then, there are internet campaigns, discussions on social media, and even more publicity and acceptance around being an individual with mental issues, which means that we are now in a time where there is more understanding than ever for the sufferer, and this is a great thing.

Scour the internet and there are a great many articles about how to cope with mental health issues if you are a sufferer, and whilst these can be a great resource, if you search for how to be the friend to someone suffering, the ground is rather thin. Yet when you consider the amount of people who will have a mental health issue in their lifetime, it makes sense that we will all, therefore, at one time or another, have a friend who is going through a period of poor mental health.

Being the friend to someone who is suffering with depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issues can be exhausting; frightening and lonely. As it is not a sickness that can be seen, it can be hard for loved ones and friends who have no experience of it to fully understand what is going on. To ask out of desperation "What can I do? What do I say to get you out of this?" Whilst this reaction is unhelpful to the sufferer, it is human. We want to fix and help those we love. We are a generation of those who can solve problems. There is nothing that we cannot Youtube or Google and find the answer too. Yet when someone you love is suffering mentally, the weight of not being able to offer practical help can be heavy.

So what can you do? Both for yourself and for them?

Be there. Emotional validity is a phrase that sums up the understanding that everyone has the right to feel as they do, even if others do not feel the same. Only they can know how they feel and you may not understand it, but you can respect what they are going through.

Remember that although you are not the one with the illness, you need support, too. Take yourself to the movies, meet other friends who are in a good place, get your fun in. Go dancing with friends who are in a good place in their lives. Do the things that make you happy. Do not carry the guilt of enjoying your life when someone else is in pain. You are not their keeper, so do not feel the full weight of the responsibility for someone else. Be there, be a safe haven for them, be their friend, but keep a list of other people you can call; their parents, doctors, Samaritans, or whoever you need to call. Mental Health First Aid England runs courses on how to be a "first responder" to those in mental health crises, and their overriding advice is the same as for a physical first aid responder; assess the situation, make sure they are not in immediate danger, and get them to professional help.

Being a support to someone who is suffering a period of mental illness may be one of the more difficult jobs a friend can do, but supporting them through any period can also be so rewarding. Look after yourself and maybe one day, they will be well enough to join you.