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Let Me Wallow in Despair for a Second

By FrancescaPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Every day for the past two and a half months, I've sat on the couch in my grandparent's living room. I left university and enrolled in the court reporting program at my local community college. I'd rather not go into $25k worth of debt that I'll barely be able to pay off, I figure. Now I practice writing on my little stenotype machine every day. Every once in a while, I read my legal terminology textbook or review English grammar. I know I should be working for a few hours, but the most I end up doing most days is an hour—sometimes even less. The rest of my time is spent scrolling through Tumblr (I like aesthetic blogs) or Facebook (I watch a lot of Tasty cooking videos and check the public transport meme group). I waste a lot of time doing that.

I think it's because I'm lonely.

Maybe not exactly lonely; isolated is a better word. I'm happy that I'm with my family, and that my grandmother sits in the next room watching the news. I have friends going to the local university and some still in high school. I don't reach out though.

It's hard to wake up at 6:45 AM day after day when you don't put yourself to bed early enough. Your back hurts after sitting with no back support. You're frustrated when you attempt to write the same audio file six times over, but just can't get it down. You feel like reaching out to friends, but they're busy, you can't drive and you haven't spoken to them in four months.

A cheese or tuna sandwich for lunch each day; CNN or MSNBC on the TV in the sewing room; Grandma D leaving at 10 sharp each morning to go to the grocery store; never hearing back from job applications—it gets dull, and I become disconnected.

I used the self-help book to kill a fly,I think it worked.Mom,I think I'm fine.- Tomberlin, "Self-Help"

I don't share my feelings with my family. I know that it's healthy to share, I just know that they'll tell me things that I've already heard and already know, so I don't share my emotions. Instead, I wait until they pass, because I know that they will. Despite anything that I feel, I know that it will pass. However, sometimes I don't want to feel better when I'm feeling down.

I'm assuming that I'm going through a bit of a rebellious stage, if you want to call it that. I'm keeping to myself, not working as hard as I should. I was baptized a Latter-day Saint while at university (random, I know, but it was something that I had been wanting for a while). I'm not as into it anymore. I don't want to keep up with following the beliefs and practices of the Gospel when my family is upset about it, it's too much work.

Maybe I just have an aversion to hard work at this point in my life. I've constantly had dreams and goals that I want to fulfill, but I haven't set in motion any plans to pursue them. It's almost as if I'm putting every single aspect of my life on the back burner. Why though?

I want to take time to be sad. I want to take time to be angsty. It's a normal part of growing up, and I feel that I don't give myself the time to experience that. It's not a good place to be, but if I simmer in it for a certain amount of time, I'll come out on the other side stronger—not unscathed, that's not the purpose of life, but stronger and wiser.

The important thing to note here is to make sure that this time spent isn't unhealthy. I can't let myself be sad for too long or get too absorbed in nihilism and self-destruction. When you let your mind wander deeper into an abyss of darkness, you're unsafe. I won't let that happen to myself. Maybe letting myself skirt depression is unsafe in itself, but I'd like to think that I can keep an eye on myself and grow from this.

For now, I'm content with spending time in limbo—insecure and prone to sadness. That's okay. I'll learn from it. That's my goal here. Check in on me from time to time but let me be okay with where I am. Let me be okay with being sad. I'll come out alright in the end.

I don't know whatYou’re going throughBut there’s so much lifeAhead of youAnd it won’t slow downNo matter what you doSo you just gotta hold onAll we can do is hold on- Shawn Mendes, "Hold On"
coping
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About the Creator

Francesca

Hello! I'm Francesca, a student in West Texas. I love classic film, musical theatre, and all things British. Latter-day Saint. Co-owner at Baked Alaska Clothing Co (find us on Teespring!).

Tumblr: francesblogs

YouTube: francesvlogs

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