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I've never told this story before, but here goes nothing. At one point in my life, I went through this period where I felt like nothing. No one really knew, or knows, but I did somethings that I am not proud of.
At the age of 13, I started to take more notice in my image. I had never been the smallest person, and I started to obsess about it. I would look up pictures of models and envy their figure. I felt that because of my image no one would ever love me. I had started to go into a dark place. There was never a moment that I wasn't thinking of what I ate. I began to fear food. At this point only two people knew what I had done, and I had withheld some details to one of them. I felt that if I told someone, I would be in trouble, or would never be looked at the same.
I had only recently told my mother about it. I share with her the first time I had purged and why I stopped. I remember we were in Vermont. We had gone to Golden Coral for dinner. The whole weekend we were there I tried to make myself purge, and nothing would come up. I remember crying because I couldn't do it. Then after dinner I told my family I was going to the bathroom. I remember what I had thrown up, it was chocolate ice cream. I remember being so happy that I had done it. The satisfaction I felt was euphoric. The best part was I walk to the table as if nothing happened and no one had known what I had done.
I eventually stumbled upon a series of article on eating disorders and what they do to you. They cause cancer, heart problems, and emotional trauma. I never told anyone except those two people I mentioned before. Over the course of a little less than a year I kept trying but was again never able to bring anything up. One night I was crying in bed and thought about how I am not only hurting myself, but I am going to hurt my mom, my friends, my dad, everyone was going to be affected if I continued down the road I was on. It took time and I did "relapse" and would try to make myself purge again. But eventually I changed my ways. I never did tell anyone else until today. As I sit here writing I realize my head was not in a good place back then. That was not healthy.
I was able to overcome this myself and it was the most difficult thing I had to do as a 13 year old. I can't imagine how those people with much different cases than mine are going through. Eating disorders are no laughing matter. Sharing my story is the hardest thing I have done because I was always afraid people would look at me differently. I have a wonderful mom who means the world to me and the thought of disappointing her sickens me. I now realize that she would never judge me like that.
I was never professionally diagnosed with an eating disorder, nor do I say I had/have an eating disorder. But at the path I was going down, it could have been worse. By sharing my story I hope to help other girls and even boys to overcome their challenges. To this day I still think about my weight, I still have horrible self esteem. But everyday I am growing more and more, and I hope that one day I can love myself. Sharing this part of my life is difficult, but letting it out feels good. I hope that one day no one will ever have to go through a time in there life that is dark. Every day I am learning that beauty is more than just looks. This is how I came up with my pen name Kalon which means beauty that is more than skin deep. I hope that my story helps others who are going through something similar.