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Hey, Anxit-Tay

The Next Friend of Depression

By Kris CaldwellPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Heyyyooo, anxiety! In my last post, I mentioned when depression visits, it brings about friends and I want to expand upon each of them. What better place to start than with anxiety? If I could say I’ve been in a relationship with my mental challenges, anxiety is my long-term partner. As with many disorders, they come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Forewarning I am going to be selfish and talk about myself for this one so pweees… bear with me.

The story begins at the age of three when I experienced separation anxiety. Being dropped off daycare care center, I quickly became overwhelmed with the new environment which caused a stream of tears. The idea of my mother leaving me in a place with a group of strangers was unfathomable. What if she never comes back? What if I need her? What if something bad happens? The end of the world was happening right then and there, and it felt like it would last forever. The idea of someone leaving me alone or in an uncomfortable situation still brings up the same fear that little three-year-old felt.

Moving up through childhood we drive to the next conjunction of when anxiety hit. The reality of life showed its face when I was 9. It was the month of May at three in the morning when I waken up by the sounds of wailing. It was my mother on the phone with my uncle, something bad has obviously occurred. I just stayed in my room trying to figure out what happened. I got up to use the restroom while all the commotion was happening, little did I know that was the worst mistake. It was time to wake up to go to school and so the new came out. My 15-year-old cousin passed away in his sleep the night before of a oxycodone/NyQuil mix (this I found out at a later time). My family’s worlds were shattered with my mom going into a deep depression. I didn’t know what to do, how to feel, the impact of this loss didn’t click until a couple of days later. I don’t know why certain feelings occur or why the heck my place of comfort was the bathroom. I couldn’t go anywhere without visiting the bathroom multiple times. This form of anxiety lasted four years.

When one form of anxiety ends the panic attacks begin. Aren’t panic attacks fun? The continuous crying, rocking back and forth with an immense fear that can make you think you are dying. Don’t mind my sarcasm, living thorough mental gymnastics has given me the luxury of trying to find the humor in it. During “Great Panic of 08” I had a panic attack every day for months. The thought of going to school was the scariest thing to do. I would sit in the car and cry for hours until my mom took me home. Out of all the lowest points, this was indeed the lowest.

There are parts of me that if given the chance to redo my life I would, but that’s not possible. I don’t wanna sound pitiful or that I am complaining. I think it can be important to share parts of your life with others who have experienced, in some aspect, the same feelies. For those who are anxious or panicked, may I offer some words? Okay, here we go… IT’S OKAY! IT WILL BE OK. Even in the midst of the harshness, it is okay. My favorite belief to share regarding any struggle, this one being anxiety, is YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY. You are only going through it. There is help and resources out there in which can bring you back to a calmer life. Take one day at a time and I commend you for trying anything new, continuing with an activity, heck for even going outside. We can step outside together.

anxiety
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About the Creator

Kris Caldwell

Lets talk about yo brain and how we can get better. The talk of the types of mental illness in a funnyish way.

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