Hidden Abuse

Abuse is hidden in different ways. Covering up bruises, hiding the yelling, putting on a smile, pretending as if nothing is happening. No one deserve abuse. No one deserves to get hurt, to be helpless, to be destroyed. I didn't deserve it; my family didn't deserve it.

To make a long story short, my little family of three were financially unstable. We could never hold down a house for more than a couple of months. Hiding the cars from the reposition crew that would drive around waiting for the chance to tow my mom's car away. We needed help, we were in desperate need of help. Money was always tight. We lived from paycheck to paycheck; could never put food on the table.

The key to finding help at this point was to get a roommate. We packed up our things and moved into a trailer home that consisted of three bedrooms and two small bathrooms. Not enough to fit four people with a couple of dogs mixed into the equation.

Everything went wrong. The first couple of weeks into the new living arrangement, my mom walked out of her room with a black eye. My sister and I hid in my closet trying to escape the yelling, screaming, crashing of things being thrown. We crawled out of our hiding place just in time of running into our mom seeing the effect of the fight that had occurred.

I have never lived in a home where a screaming match broke out every couple of days. I never imagined living a life that consisted of toxic energy filling every crack and corner that the house had. Walking on eggshells, trying the best I could to not crack in order to protect myself from the danger and pain that I could face. Mistake after mistake I could make, the much more danger I was putting myself in. Mistakes I didn't even know I was making. Once it was my turn to be yelled at during the week, I was living a nightmare. Screaming and horrible words filled my ears, consumed my body, hurt my heart, controlled my mind. I didn't have a clue of what I was doing wrong or how I could fix it to stop all punishments I shouldn't have deserved.

There would be a few great days in the house of horrors, thinking maybe this time things would change and get better. One small thing would set a trigger like a gun, never knowing who would get shot this time. I did everything in my power to protect my little sister from all the danger that lived all around us. I would jump in the middle of every situation between my mom or my sister, taking all the blame, taking all the punishments to protect the two people in my life that I could never live without. Beating after beating, being locked in my room for months on end only being allowed to go to school.

Everything took a toll on me as the days, weeks, and years seemed to grow longer. We were trapped. We could never lead. I was gaining weight at a rapid pace. Anything that was in eyesight was being forced down my throat. I was throwing constantly because my little body couldn't contain the amount of food that was being shoved into me. If I was getting too big, the food source stopped completely, starving me until I couldn't move until I was losing weight to being given enormous amounts of food again.

Words being slapped in my face, making me feel unwanted, telling me how unlovable I am, how ugly I was becoming, how much weight I was gaining. It broke me down, destroyed me and the self confidence and body image that I had for myself.

Now, being 19, I still wake up every morning thinking about if I really am unloveable and if the people that are in my life now still want me to be in their lives. Trauma after trauma that happened in my horror years echo in my ears and circulate around my head. Day after day, I try to push the bad memories away and I try to stand strong and tall, only somedays being able to do actually do it. No matter how hard I try to push down the brick wall of trying to push everything aside, the wall doesn't budge. I'm stuck behind a wall that I'm slowly being able to climb over.

Through every event that took over the four years I was living in a nightmare, I will never let that life define me. I always tried again and again until I'm finally over the brick wall. I'll be free.

I will not be defined over the events that happened.