Hold On a Little Bit More

Normal people don’t understand depression. I don’t understand it either, but I can at least say how it feels, and how it has affected me. Someone would say, "hey, you’re just sad," or, “it’s not a big deal, go and pray to Jesus and it will pass." However, what I think when they say that is: “Jesus” doesn’t have a magic pill, you know? And IF he exists, he probably hates me.

Yes, that’s mostly how it feels: like if for some reason everybody hates you because you suck and you don’t deserve to be loved even by “Jesus.” I don’t have any interest in most things ultimate, even for him, because I think that if he did exist, he wouldn’t have left all these things to happen to me, and wouldn’t leave all bad things to happen in general, and if I expressed that to my close loved ones they would look at me like I am possessed by some demon or I am the most awful person in the world.

I’ve been fighting this battle by myself all the time and I don’t think he’s ever been there for me. However, there are people that have been there and are the reason why I'm here. My friends, family, and loved ones, in general, will have some or all credit in me wanting to get better, but only I can put all my effort and heal from my past because forgetting it… It will never happen, but getting over it certainly will. The negative thoughts will keep stalking me and beating my head, making me feel drowned and desperate, but I will learn how to keep them quiet and love myself above them.

There are times when I hate to know that I have people out there who love me, and I feel ungrateful and as usual “the worst person in the world” (and now that I think about it, I might not be the worst because somewhere someone else is feeling like this too) and I think to myself: "Do you know how many people out there don't have anyone?" and it's true; at least I have a support in my life. At least if I think about leaving today, thinking about these people would keep me here because they wouldn’t understand, and they would spend their lives wondering why and I wouldn’t be there to answer them, and I think they’re awful for holding me here in this dark world.

I started going to therapy and understood a lot of things after that. For instance, the way I project my self-hatred into other people and also found that I can’t just heal years and years of hurting in a few months. It is also hard to get over some things and forget negative defense mechanisms. Isolation as my protection method doesn’t work anymore, keeping my mouth shut to not cause anyone to hate me doesn’t work either, and all the ridiculous thoughts have me tired. My mind is a jail and I am closed in it, and now all I want is to pay the fine and get the hell out of it, because I’ve seen that life does have good things and I want to enjoy them.

This disorder is not the same for everyone; some people have different reasons why they are depressed. Each one is important for everyone who's there because they all made a big impact on their lives, there's not a thing as a bigger problem; everyone has something to deal with. Some other people might look like they don't get depressed because they live in the present, find ways to get over their problems, and then they feel better. However, everyone is fighting their own battles, and we just have to learn to accept each other and fight against our obstacles and traumas from the past. There is a way, and we'll never know if things will get better if we don't hold on to see it (as my therapist said). I wish everyone would start getting out, I wish everyone would reach out for help and find out that there is hope. That we’re not that broken and there’s no such thing as normal because everybody has a certain weird characteristic that they might or might not like.