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How Am I?

I am not okay.

@sienadini on Instagram by @alyssamarielowe

I am not okay. I go through periods where I am basically pretending I am alright, but the reality is I am absolutely overwhelmed by my mental illnesses, and have been feeling smothered by a weighted blanket of depression lately. Everything is fogged up in my head and my thoughts run together so fast, and memories are distorted and I feel poisoned. I don’t know what to do. I have been trying so hard for so long to keep living, but it’s getting too heavy of a burden for me. I just want to sleep forever in my hazy, misty mess of dreams. Dreams that will never see reality because something in the universe does not want me to succeed. Something does not want me to create. I feel so much and so little at the same time. I just want to be erased.

The other day I spent hours lying in a fetal position, sobbing and begging for death. Nothing helped, not even calling the National Suicide Hotline. I couldn’t think of one Dialetical Behavior Therapy skill to use. Every suggestion given to me just made me feel worse, like I was too weak and that I was letting everyone down.

The next day I woke up feeling just as horrid, and realized I was home alone. I thought if I just went through the motions of my normal days everything would be fine. Until I sat down in bed to work on some projects on my laptop and everything came crashing down again. I curled up immediately and began feeling just as suicidal. To make matters worse, I called my parents away from what they were doing, almost 30 miles away, so they could make sure I wasn’t a danger to myself.

I am a disaster of a human being. I make everything worse, and disappoint everyone. I shouldn’t be alive. I’ve felt this way for around six years and nothing has begun to steer me in a positive direction. I am miserable all the time, and I know no one cares. They can lie all they want and say they do... but I know I am not important to anyone.

I should give up right? If nothing has worked for six years, nothing ever will. I don’t think anyone would be sad if I died, either. I don’t deserve that.

My entire life has been a cry for help... and no one has heard me.

Why do I even exist, if all my existence is only pain? What kind of monster creates that? I don’t want to be in a world that was born of something that sadistic.

And no one I know will read this. No one will take my suffering and try and do something about it. No one will reach out. No one wants to save what’s already gone. I am gone.

I thought I was trying, but recently it was pointed out to me that I am too fragile, and that I haven’t been doing my best. I thought I was. I thought I could survive. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around, if all that’s been leading up to this was not my best effort.

I just want people to understand. To care. Even if it’s just for five minutes. I am broken. I am dying. My head is too diseased for this life. 

I am sorry for my existence, which is a blemish on your happy lives. I do try my best to be more. I hope you understand that at least.

I’m so tired. I’m so devastated. I’m just sad.

Siena Dini
Siena Dini

Hi friends! I write poetry, short fiction stories, essays, and hopefully will start some entries about things I am passionate about! Thanks for reading- it means so much!

instagram: @sienadini

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