How I Keep Failing to Get Out of My Own Darkness

What do you do when you feel that you have no one to rely on? What do you do when you feel so alone? Even if in in actuality, there are a few people can you can rely on when you are having one of those days. So many times I have been in this situation in which I am so deep in a darkness that consumes so much of my being and I would feel absolutely helpless to ask anyone to help.

In my recent attempts to see a therapist to help me get through my mental adversities, I was told to expand the circle of people that I reach out to. When the therapist said that to me it sounded really easy to do. But actually trying to reach out to more people and tell them my story was incredibly hard. It still is. It has been close to two months since the therapist first gave me that advice and I still have only expanded by circle of supporters by one.

My current support system includes a younger sister who also has her own mental issues to deal with, a mother who initially refused to believe the concept of depression, a father who says I should go to church more to relieve this suffering, a work partner who spends a majority of his time on projects, and finally a sorority friend who, from what I can tell, has similar experiences.

Ten months ago I was surrounded by friends that I deemed so close that I could trust them with my life. The relationship between this circle of friends and myself went back at least seven years. And due to a circumstance to long to explain, I was left with no friendship left to continue. Without knowing the situation, people can assume many things about someone. Despite this, I have to say that ultimately I would never wish the disappearance and loss of friendships on anyone.

I am lucky enough to retain connections to people in general, though. College classmates, sorority sisters, workout buddies. I am grateful that I still get to experience the joy of meeting people. But with the way I am right now, never again will I give out my trust to people so easily. While I have a smile on my face and such joy in my voice in front of people, in the back of my mind I will prepare myself to not give others a way to be so personally involved in my life and leave without a care in the world.

I know why I feel that I have no one to rely on. I know why I feel so alone at times. I alienate my personal thoughts and emotions by presenting a front at all times. And when the time comes that I need help, no one will be there because I have already shut down the possibility of anyone being able to do so by not informing them of my true struggles. This is an issue I am trying to work out with the demon inside.

I share my thoughts on this because I am sure there are others who feel the same way. I am sad for those who feel as I do. I am sad for myself who cannot let go of the past and insecurities. But after writing this down and actually reading my thought process about why I am finding trouble getting out of the darkness, I am prompted to get out of this mindset. And I will strive for the ability to extend out to people and let the potential happiness and positiveness they may have to reach me while I try to discover a way out.