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I’ve always struggled since I was young with mental health issues. I never knew what was actually wrong with me. I thought that I was different from everyone else and that I was an issue for my family.
I was an on and off homeschooled child. I was also the third out of four girls, so we had a pretty full and crazy home as usual.
I didn’t realize anything was wrong with me. I wanted things a certain way. I was very specific about where all my stuffed animals went on my bed. I didn’t have friends come over and play because I didn’t want them to ruin anything I had so strategically placed. Everyday when my mom would drop me and my younger off sister at school, I would shake in fear. My mother even took me to the “feelings doctor,” AKA the psychologist, because a friend from church thought I had ADD. It turns out I didn’t.
As the years went on I got worse and worse. The oncoming of adolescence didn’t help either. I had ritual panic attacks and I was almost always upset and angry, or the exact opposite. I would constantly talk and be filled with an odd amount of energy to the point that I was unbearably annoying.
It wasn’t until my high school years that I started to fall into a pit. I was moody and depressed. I thought this was normal. I was wrong. I wanted to escape the world. I resented my family. I despised everything. It got so serious that I contemplated suicide almost every week. I wanted to be dead. I had nothing else to live for. I thought I had no future. How could someone like me possibly be fit in to live in this world?
It wasn't until my junior year that me and my mom decided to do something about it. I had panic attacks before school every single day and I was beyond stressed. It completely took over my body. We went to our local doctor who then prescribed me with an antidepressant and anxiety medication, which I still take to this day. It was almost too easy to me, but it completely worked for me.
It has honestly worked wonders for me. I didn’t think I would, but I was happy. I felt normal for once.
Months after that I met my boyfriend. He made me feel like I was wanted and loved. I felt like I would never be broken again if I had him.
I’m still with him today and he is my absolute soulmate. I love him.
But you don’t need anyone to make you feel that way. I felt that way before I met him. You must love yourself for who you are first. You have to get out of bed everyday and say, “I can do this!” You must believe that you are worth it. Because you are.
I hope my story inspires you to get out of the pit you are stuck in. Just know that you are not the only one struggling. I know how you feel too. I’ve been there. Don’t give up. Have faith. Be strong.
If you ever have any thoughts about suicide, please contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
You are loved and you matter!