How My Cats Saved My Life

I don’t really know what happened. One day I had the world at my feet, starting a nursing degree, new job, new car, moving into our first home and a perfect relationship. The next, I couldn’t leave the house and I barely moved, if at all, off the couch. I sat in silence most days, unable to eat, drink, or sleep and I couldn’t see a reason to continue trudging along.

I guess I felt like my life was so insignificant. I realised how impossible it was to change the world and how I couldn’t just be whatever I wanted to be, like everyone in your life ever tells you when you’re little. Balancing a job and a uni degree like nursing was so demanding, as well as running a house and trying to afford to live. I hallucinated, I cried all the time for weeks, and then felt nothing at all for just as long. I couldn’t bear to see people, trying to have a conversation felt like it took all my energy before I’d even began talking. I didn’t feel like I was really there. I was constantly being sick, my paranoia was driving me insane, and I had night terrors and sleep paralysis when I couldn’t fight my tiredness anymore. It was debilitating.

I took some time off of university as sick due to stress under doctor's orders. I tried pills but they took away my ability to function or what ability was left anyway. I was a shivering wreck, a shell of the person I used to be. I know that’s cliche, but it’s so accurate. I could feel everything around me continuing but my life stopped. My friends continued going on nights out, my university peers passed exams and assignments, my family continued to think I was doing “so well for my age,” and worst of all my partner kept going to work. At least when he was home I had him to sit next to me, to fill the emptiness of the four walls that encased me. When he left to go to work, the hours he was there just felt like seconds. I’d have been sat on that couch in total silence for six hours and it felt like a blur. I didn’t even know it had gone.

That’s when I decided I needed something in my life that didn’t expect too much of me, that I could handle, to keep myself focused for now. I began trying to read but that needed too much attention and commitment. I tried colouring but eventually all the colours just blended into one. I tried knitting and writing but nothing worked.

I heard about this kitten that needed a home at a rescue my mum's friend ran. She’d been abused and locked in a fridge outdoors. All her brothers and sisters died by her side. I’d wanted an animal in our home for ages, after moving out of my mum and dad's with their two cats and a dog. A house didn’t feel like a home with out a pet. So me and my partner went to see this little kitten who had been through hell and survived. She was a beautiful 12-week-old tabby, very timid but had a playful side you could see from afar. She used to bat a little ball around when she thought you weren’t looking. I managed to hold her for a bit and she settled, cuddled up in my arms before eventually growing tired and nervous again. I knew we had to have her.

She came home with us not long after. We named her Luna. She filled my days up with trying to care for her and bring her out of her shell. She’d never heard a TV before so she was terrified of it when it was on; her reflection made her legs shake and she’d cry; if you went near her she hid under the closest thing she could find, and yet to me she warmed up. She refused to sleep anywhere apart from above my head. Slowly, she started to follow me around the house. Then she started playing with toys and chasing the laser, she enjoyed watching tv and walked past her reflection without flinching. I watched this nervous little kitten grow into a cat that loved cuddle time with Mum and Dad and begin to love all the things she was once afraid of.

Before I knew it, it’d been a month and I hadn’t spent one day feeling alone or like I couldn’t move off of the couch. I was sleeping, even if only for a few hours. I was still getting into bed. When I fed Luna, I got myself something to eat and slowly I began to laugh at all the little things she did and I didn’t even think about myself.

I slowly got back to normal. Well, kind of. I returned to work and I decided when I’d return to university leaving myself a year off for balancing out, I didn’t need medication and I started going out with my friends again. Luna wasn’t used to being alone, so we decided to adopt another little kitten at 12-weeks-old. She was already named Lola so it was although it was made to be. Lola’s personality was the complete opposite to Luna’s. She was bouncy, brave, and adventurous. When we introduced them, it took them a week or so to get on. In time, Lola brought confidence to Luna and now they run riot around our house, getting up to all kinds of mischief, from stealing toilet rolls to climbing my curtains.

The kittens are super happy now. Luna has just turned one and Lola won’t be far behind. They love each other so much and are never apart. I’ve balanced back out now, managed to find my feet. I wouldn’t say I’m 100 percent but I’m sure making progress getting there. I don’t know where I’d be without Luna. I can honestly say she made the biggest difference to my life. I felt purpose and admiration for that kitten, who now sleeps on her own bed at night, no longer above my head, and who watches TV cuddled up on the couch every night. Lola is a perfect addition to our family. She never fails to make me giggle every single day, the perfect sister to Luna.

To you they may just be cats, but to me they are so, so much more.

I’m no writer. I’m sure not many have made it this far through but if you’re reading this and you’re battling depression or anxiety, my recommendation to you is don’t give up. It may seem like this is it, that it won’t get better, but if something as small and delicate as Luna was when she came to us can battle through and trust humans again, we can too.

I was sat on that couch for four months. Those months all blended into one and I didn’t even realise the time that had gone past. I hallucinated all the time. I trembled right through to my core. I’m still not the person I was, but I’m so much more.

I promise you the darks days aren’t so dark with your best friend by your side.