How My English Teacher Saved My Life

Rule Number One: Don’t Kill Yourself.

I was in Freshman English. Second semester.

The professor was an old man with more doctorates than were necessary.

He drove an old, red, beat up pickup truck held together with hope and so many vegetarian bumper stickers

He had grey, wiry hair that came down to the arch of his back that he always kept in a ponytail and a large grey beard to match.

I liked to imagine he was an explorer. That he was someone who has been up and down Everest so many times he can map out the trail by hand. Someone who has just as many stories he doesn’t tell as stories he does. Someone who can look up at the stars and see the future.

Now, he was a little bit crazy. Passionate, but completely insane. He would talk about Othello like he was in the room. Tell us about the secret life of Shakespeare blended together with the secrets of his life.

He made no secret that he had a therapist. When you know as many secrets of the world as he did, sometimes you need a little help sorting it out. I forgot how we got on the subject—but knowing him, that doesn’t matter—but one day he decided to share one of his secrets.

He laughed and said: Life is a game. Rule Number One: Don’t Kill Yourself.

Now I am sitting in a room with 20 other sheltered college freshmen who are now all looking around in stunned silence asking each other if they had really just heard what they thought they just heard. They did. They heard it. And he said it.

And I found it very inappropriate. For a number of reasons.

1. This was at a time when my battle with depression had begun a downward spiral. Going lower than it ever had. Where I had to build up the courage to take every breath and here was this man that was making a joke about the one thing that kept me up at night. The thing that nibbled on my ears and made me anxious of each moment alone. And…
2. This was just days after one of my friends had—suddenly, surprisingly —broken rule number one.

I walked around for days after. Still stunned by what he said. So much so, I skipped his next class. I would say it over and over in my head. Rule Number One: Don’t Kill Yourself. How dare he?

Then one night, after sneaking drink after drink of alcohol that didn’t belong to me, everything got quiet. The moon and stars disappeared and the only sound I heard was the violent whisper of the medicine cabinet; Luring me in as if a spider to its web. I opened the door. There were so many bottles. This… This could work. And as I reached for them, I only had one thought.

Rule Number One: Don’t Kill Yourself.

Closing the door to the cabinet I remembered—truly remembered—what my professor had said that day.

He said: Rule Number One: Don’t Kill Yourself. But if he had kept speaking I like to think he would have said:

Life is hard. And believe me I know it. And sometimes you will feel like it’s easier to give up. Like it would make it all better if you didn’t have to do it anymore. But you have to remember. Life is a game and the prize for winning is worth the struggle. You just have to remember one rule.

Don’t Kill Yourself.