How Therapy Helps Set Boundaries

Sometimes, a relationship ends without any clear reason. But more often than not, there are early warning signs. It’s common to ignore those signs when you’ve just gotten together with someone and think everything about them is charming. But once things get serious, then you’ll have to either deal with those issues or decide to break up.

One of the biggest issues that can crop up involves boundaries. You and your partner may have very different ideas of what sort of boundaries are appropriate, and that can be a big source of contention. Here’s how going to a therapist can help both of you set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Therapy provides a neutral third party.

We all need outside input sometimes. That’s why it’s natural for us to sometimes talk to our friends about frustrations or annoyances within a romantic relationship. Research suggests these conversations can provide emotional support as well as help us make decisions. Let’s say you and your partner can’t decide whether or not you should move in together—talking to your best friend can make things clearer.

But your best friend is not a professional, and your best friend is not truly neutral. Even mutual friends, may feel more loyal toward the person they’ve known the longest. They may also be bringing their own set of biases to the table. For example, if your friend has commitment issues, they may encourage you to break up with your partner before you feel ready.

Therapists are still people, of course. They have their own history, but they don’t have a history with you. You walk into their office with a fresh slate. If you say something is bothering you, a friend might say, “But you know Jeff. He’s always been like that.” For a therapist, that kind of answer isn’t good enough—they’ll try to dig down into why your partner behaves a certain way and, more importantly, why you react to your partner’s behavior.

Therapists have special knowledge.

A therapist goes through a ton of formal education and training before they can start seeing patients. They may specialize in a particular kind of counseling, like gay couples therapy, or they may be a more general therapist, but either way, they’re not guessing. They’ve done the time and read the books, and they know how to help a couple define and navigate boundary issues.

If you don’t know what to expect from couples therapy, that’s okay. It’s like individual therapy in some ways, but it’s also designed to help you manage your emotions as you understand your partner’s feelings. It’s not just about reinforcing your perspective. Sometimes that can happen, but you’re not communicating with the therapist for the purpose of improving your relationship with the therapist. Instead, everything should be about understanding and appreciating your partner’s point of view.

You may walk into therapy thinking you have an idea of what the problem is, only to find out that there’s something entirely else going on. Let’s say a couple comes in because one partner, Sam, feels like they never spend enough time together. The other partner, Will, thinks Sam is clingy, and feels suffocated and anxious as a result.

The boundary problems could stem from something much deeper that neither partner wants to acknowledge. A good therapist will help both sides get to the bottom of what’s really bothering them. To do that, both people in the relationship have to be willing to give it their all for each session. Sometimes, one partner will do nothing but sit on the couch and insist they don’t get what the big deal is. Both partners have to buy in fully before anything can be truly addressed.