How Trauma Is Hidden in Plain Sight, & Why Nobody Does Anything About It

These days I have been reflecting on what might be scary concepts for some people: emotions and trauma. Everything started when I caught a few symptoms of emotional imbalance in the erratic behaviour of some people on TV.

While I take that in the Entertainment industry this way of being is not only welcome, but encouraged (it might bring more viewers), I also know that sadly for those involved it can get really confusing, painful, and in some cases out of control. Taken to extremes, these behaviours can be symptoms of serious mental illnesses (the ones that are obvious and easy to categorize), but what about the milder cases caused by trauma with symptoms that have been so normalized by our culture that are hidden in plain sight?

I have had my share of the latter, and although at the time it felt like a deep, dark hole with no possible way out, I got out; and family was key, but maybe not in the way you might think.

See, in my life the word family has always been a direct link to dysfunction. This produced all sorts of consequences that showed up in my life as an adult, and to be honest, whatever ones you are thinking about are probably all correct; the reason being is that when you grow up in such environment, even the most abusive behaviours seem normal to you, As a child, you haven't got filters to protect yourself, and why would you, since you are surrounded by people who are supposed to protect and love you unconditionally.

The good news is that if you are suffering from abuse and it is physical, at some point when you grow up you will be able to realise that you have been a victim of it. However, when it comes to the psychological type, things get more tricky due to the lack of evidence; still we always tend to know when something is off, and our current behaviours might be accurate indicators as where to start paying attention to. At least this is what gave it away for me—for example:

Your siblings believe that you all had a perfectly happy childhood, but you have no recollection of most of it whatsoever; your romantic relationships start like fairytales, but they always end up like hell (abuse, lies, addictions); you are always the mother/father/saviour figure in your relationship, but your partner doesn't reciprocate your efforts; you feel that nothing ever works in your life, plus you may suffer from feelings of self-hatred; you have a hard time receiving, whether it is help, compliments, or any gesture of kindness; you put everyone ahead by default; you give everything you have and it is hard for you to set up boundaries; you are hypervigilant; you feel that you need to be perfect, and if you ever make a mistake you punish yourself; you are unable to trust others; you have been self-sufficient since you were very little; you have addictive tendencies (sweets, alcohol, sex, people); your way to cope is by running away from situations, people, and emotions; you feel that you always mess things up no matter how many good opportunities come your way, and that has always been "the story of your life."

Although you might have some more to add to the list, I take that you get the idea.

In my case, a breakdown (the biggest of them all) is what stopped me in my tracks and inspired me to pay attention to my erratic life. I basically had to gather all the courage I had in order to remove the blindfolds and become an observer (as well as the observer of the observer).

I started by really getting to know myself (it might sound silly but trust me when I say, that a lot of my problems back then had shown up because until that moment, I had lived life by default without knowing who I really was); I wanted to find out if I was truly as good or as bad as I thought, and which patterns were driving my actions (especially the bizarre ones that left me puzzled). I was also interested in finding out which behaviours were mine, and which ones had been absorbed by the adults I grew up with. But mostly I was desperate to know whether I was clinically insane or just a bit of a nutter.

Although it took years of research, self-discovery, and healing, I eventually got there and it turns out that:

Everything started in childhood, when I mirrored the coping mechanism of relatives who never knew how to deal with their emotions. I basically began to compartmentalize all pain and trauma in mental drawers; these drawers had been buried deep in my subconscious, and eventually I forgot about them.

Since there was never a safe space for me to heal, and it was extremely shameful to feel my emotions or to show vulnerability, I kept doing this until I grew up, and so you can imagine the amount of stored pain that had to be released (if this is also your case, I would recommend finding a professional you resonate with, as it is a delicate process and it can be painful).

Because none of the adults in my family made the effort to explain things (well, now I'm pretty sure they thought there was nothing to talk about), even when something traumatic happened, whatever perception the child I was had back then is what stuck as my truth; and so all of those subconscious patterns were the ones that had been driving my adult behaviour affecting my relationships, finances, and friendships. I also learned that what I initially thought were "bizarre" behaviours of mine turned out to be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and serious Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, again as a result of childhood and adolescence trauma.

But the most helpful insight, though, was finding out that my main dysfunctional patterns had been absorbed from family members. The interesting part is that what I initially thought was an eccentric personality trait in some of them was nothing else but symptoms of suspected undiagnosed mental illness.

Now that I temporarily came back home and I can compare their behaviour with my new experience and knowledge, I see that all of this pain could have been avoided by stopping to set up boundaries, talking about the events, and feeling everything that needed to be felt. Instead, I'm witnessing how all of these trauma related patterns are currently so deeply hidden within each individual that they have turned into their blind spots. This is not only making the healing process more difficult, but it is also perpetuating those same patterns from generation to generation.

Do I blame them? No; what I blame is the lack of emotional awareness and the culture. We are all doing the best we can, but these days we live in a very fast-paced world, and unfortunately trauma is a daily thing in our lives. It could come from a tough childhood like in my case, but it could also be triggered by something as simple as watching shocking news on TV, a "freenemy" that is constantly putting you down through passive-aggressive attacks, not being able to fulfill the impossible expectations of a boss at your soul-sucking job, immature behaviours of your partner that trigger your past pain, or even a rude cashier that disrespected you yesterday.

The point is that although society has taught us to look invincible, we all hurt, and we do it often; and because we are afraid of being seen as weak, sometimes our wounds might be deeper than what we want to recognize. Still, they only get us in trouble when we ignore them. They accumulate and eventually they turn into self-destructive behaviours (just like the ones encouraged within the Media and the Entertainment industries).

If you have never sorted this part of yourself out, a good starting point would be to try and acknowledge the pain; for example, the next time something infuriating, painful, or irritating happens, even if it is minimal, I would suggest that we take the time and give ourselves permission to feel all of our emotions, without any judgement, then to accept and let them go (you can use techniques such as EFT or go to a professional, for example).

For those who have been consistently compartmentalising their emotions, this practise will get the ball rolling, perhaps bringing awareness to sides of ourselves we never even knew existed, and eventually leading to important information that will help us in our journeys.

Of course if you suspect that there is something serious going on with you, don't hesitate to call a Doctor or professional Counselor straight away. These words are the result of my personal experience so they are only meant to bring awareness, as well as inspiring others at the same time, so they can take action if they feel like it.

With that in mind, I'm going to finish by wishing that one day, we start teaching future generations about self-love and emotional awareness at schools; so when those children get their feelings hurt, they will know how to calm themselves down and release pain using healthy ways (no more bullying out of frustration and anger, no more self-hatred, no more jealousy because of comparisons). Can you imagine what that generation would be like? I can already see it: high performing, empowered, emotionally intelligent and kind adults who, for the first time in history, did not have to survive their childhood.

Well, at least that is my vision for the near future (fingers crossed), but let us start practising now, just in case we can make it happen a bit earlier.