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How We Love

How We Forgot

By Ambry'on JamesPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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I'm not sure if this is love anymore. Or if it ever was... I thought I knew what love felt like, but I just can't seem to define it anymore. I thought I felt love in the beginning, maybe I did. Sitting here thinking back on how it was then and how small minded and naïve I may have seemed, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe he knew what he was doing to hurt and manipulate me, or was it that he didn't see the harm he was doing. I mean we were both so young. It could have been involuntary. My mind continues to spin. We both have had our share of ups and downs. Some say love shouldn't hurt and others say it's a continuous battle, but "for the one you love you'll fight." I just really don't know anymore.

At about 15 I was "diagnosed" with depression. I took meds, and did counseling and once I felt happy, I was done, silly me. I thought because I'm happy now I will no longer depend on meds or a 45minute session once a week. I was so wrong. And now that I'm older and not so naïve, I question myself. Is there really something wrong with me or am I just always overthinking? Do I really need to take medication for this? Then I began to answer my question with the most uncertainty. (I'm super indecisive and always second guessing myself. I guess I don't trust my judgement or anyone else's). My answers were never good enough for me. Sometimes I question if I'm sane. Maybe my mental illness is worse than I thought. Maybe it was brought on by trauma. Can I make my own trauma? Although this seems like a random side bar, but the reality of it is your mental state impacts relationships more than I ever thought.

I can't 100 percent speak for him but as we have been together for a while now, I think it would be safe to say this. He portrays himself as someone who is very independent, very focused and unemotional. Sometimes he comes off as if he has no attachment. In the beginning for us he was all there but that took a turn fast. And growing up being with him I've learned he feeds more off of the emotions of the people around him but not in an empathetic way. He learned at a young age how to mend his own wounds and how to read people. He has been left by everyone that he believed cared. The only family he has are those who use him, those he abuse his kindness, his wanting to be apart of something. So when things first started for us, and he did the things he did ( ditch me to be with those "friends", talking to other woman) was that a cry for help for him? Was he aware he was hurting? Did he care that he was hurting me? Maybe he cared, maybe he didn't. With the way life was for him when I came into it, was I just convenient? Or did I actually catch his eye? Well, there is no way I could've caught his eye because he is always leaving me, he clearly found someone better that is why he was talking to her, right? Or was she convenient.

Okay, maybe I started this whole story on the wrong foot but let me just break us down? Break this down?

We fed off of each other and I believe we still do. I want to say it's depression, but I'm sure its more than that for him and I. Our mental, our involuntary thoughts, those are what harms us. I overthink every past, present and possible scenarios. Then I become angry, sad, hurt and revengeful, only inside. On the outside I become cold, bitter, almost numb. He sees this as me losing love, losing feelings for him. He believes I'm searching for someone and something he can not offer, or so he thinks. I can not explain what goes on in his head exactly, I don't know what emotions he feels inside, but on the outside he becomes like me. Cold and bitter, but then he becomes over affectionate. The scenarios in my head swirl and I become colder. Me? I'll be ready to call it quits, throw in the towel. In my eyes if he is so ready to move on then I should be too. Then the next thing you know, I have moved on, mentally. He? Moves on physically. I find myself wondering why I wasn't enough. And although on the outside he seems okay, on the inside he is wondering what he did to lose another lover/relationship.

One day passes and we are trying to work things out, but neither of us can find the words. Neither of us is bold enough to ask what is going on in each other's heads. It could be that neither of us are bold enough to answer those questions, not even for ourselves. So instead we point fingers at the most vulnerable parts of us. Next day, we are together, laid up watching movies. Is this really love or just how we love? Things were so good in the honeymoon stage, what happened? Am I happy? Is he happy? Maybe it's just me and my brain overthinking. Do you think he overthinks? Are we codependent because we grew up together or because we don't have anyone else? Maybe we just think we have no one. Am I stuck? or is he stuck? May be we are actually okay? My mental health is my biggest downfall and I will NEVER know if I am the cause of all my pain, his pain, our pain? I will NEVER know if I am actually enough for him or anyone. Do I leave and practice self love or is that selfish. To be honest I don't want things to end, but is that safe? Of course it is, he said he'd never hurt me. Right?

As you can see there is a deeper meaning behind this, but am I sure exactly what it is. I'm truly not sure. But I know I can't be the only one who has been here, or feels this way. Mental Health is very serious and it can affect you in the strangest of ways. As you can see in my writing that there is something more to me. Can you? Or do you just relate?

depression
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About the Creator

Ambry'on James

Im 22 years young, I love writing but lack the inspiration occasionally. I’ve changed a lot since I started this and although I didn’t post much prior I plan to publish more and I hope you can see my growth in that. Open to all criticism ☺️

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