Humanity Switch

The topic of this think piece comes from the concept of a "humanity switch" from the Vampire Diaries, a popular TV series based on the book series written by L. J. Smith.

The humanity switch refers to a vampire's unique ability to shut off their humanity so they don't have to deal with the heightened emotions they acquire along with their vampirism. I didn't think about much while I was watching the show itself but as someone who constantly battles depression/anxiety; I'm looking at the idea with new eyes.

While I have no desire to be a vampire (I prefer werewolves), I would love to have a humanity switch. To have the ability to be able to shut off my depression, my anxiety, my loneliness, my sadness. To be able to operate without second, third and fourth guessing myself. To have restful sleep without fighting my own mind every night. To not have to regulate myself with pills everyday. The thought of being free of that, and being able to control it is so surreal to me that I can't even imagine how happy I'd be.

I don't think I'm managing very well by myself right now, and a humanity switch would be a welcome change. I'm sure there are downsides like all the emotions that you hold back rushing in on you when you turn it back on, or it becoming so addictive that you never turn it back, or you lose your humanity completely, and you know what? I don't care.

I don't care about the possible downsides or consequences. I'm tired. Tired of the sleepless nights. Tired of feeling like I'm the only support I have. Sick of the anxiety and loneliness and emotions beating me up inside. I just want relief and damn it. If a convenient mental switch can help in any way then I'd be the first signing up. The first in the case study.

I’m not happy. I get that, and many people would say that I need to find inner happiness and all that. I feel like I’m floundering along that path. I’m cold. Inside and out and no matter how many blankets or layers I wrap myself in I can’t seem to find that warmth. If I could flip that switch, maybe I’d feel comfortable with the cold. No longer wanting to be warm anymore.

I think that’s the problem. My desire of wanting more. I just can’t be content with what I have and where I am. The coldness. The loneliness. Part of me feels like it’s not enough like there can be something more and better and while I’m walking along I feel the weight of it’s abse on my back. Bringing me down. It’s hard to bare and some days are harder than most. Pretending is the worst. Acting like it’s okay when it’s not. Trying to be happy when I’m not. Forcing myself to care when I don’t.

Forcing myself to be involved when I’d rather not. It’s an exhausting paradox and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore or what I’m even doing. Talking about it doesn’t help and I can’t find any solutions. I’m just down more often than I’m up and it’s becoming harder to pull myself into a socially acceptable stupor.

Which is why I long for that switch. Some control. Some uniformity. Someway to have some peace. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. I just don’t know who to ask, or where to find it.

I don't know. I don't know if this was explained well at all or if it even makes sense but I'm sure I'm not the only one wishing they could flick the switch off.