I Am Not Lazy

"Wow Hannah, you're bailing on us again?!"

There are days where I don't want to get out of bed, move, go to work, or even think. I'm really not lazy. In these moments there is a war going on in my mind. I struggle to see why I must do anything or think like this. Constant arguing occurs throughout my thoughts. Once again, a war with myself. I'm really not lazy. My brain exhausts me. Depression and anxiety EXHAUST me.

There are many days where I simply cannot go out with friends or attend family gatherings. It is NOT because I am lazy. I am trying to defeat my illnesses. It's so difficult to explain or put into words. My brain is telling me to stay home, to not do this and don't say that. It's a constant conflict inside my head.

Continually, it feels horrible making excuses as to why you can't hang out. Another awful thing about canceling plans is seeing your friends have fun while they're hanging out without you, EVEN THOUGH you were literally invited. Some part of me just does not want to leave my bed. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. Does this occur to any of you guys? I can't be alone on this.

When I have this feeling it's like I'm not really here, you know? It's as if I have no say over what my mind is telling me to do. If you don't quite understand what I am saying it's okay I don't quite get it either if I am being honest. It is SO hard to put into words what goes on in my mind. Sometimes that's why I think it can be so difficult for people similar to me to reach out and ask for help.

It is true that isolating yourself from your peers is a symptom of depression, so maybe that's why I do this. I feel that it also might be caused by lack of motivation and self-esteem issues. I would rather be alone than be around people talking about things that trigger me or make me go into some type of funk. I also don't go out because it creates a bigger risk of an anxiety attack. Occasionally, depression just grabs me by my brain and keeps me at home. It's like I don't even have a choice sometimes. It makes me feel worthless. Why should I get out of bed? There's no reason to move. No one needs me there and no one would miss me being there. These are the thoughts running through my head. I am imprisoned by depression and anxiety. I AM NOT LAZY.

Okay, so that was some pretty deep stuff my friends. Obviously, we all have bad days and that is totally okay. However, please do not let these bad days control your life. I have learned to use my bad days to care for myself and to refresh my mind because quite possibly it was just getting a little too overwhelmed. It takes work to decrease your number of bad days I do admit. It seems impossible right now but honestly, it will happen if you allow people to help you. Rather than lying to your friends as to why you cannot go out, just tell them you're in need of a day alone! As cheesy as this may sound, real friends should understand this and will not make you feel bad about it. I hope this story helped you guys!

If you're looking for some inspiration or positive vibes go follow my mental health Instagram account @healthymind_happysoul.

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