I Am Suicidal

I am suicidal. But I'll be okay, because I have to be.

A lot of people who know me really well don't even know this about me. This is because—well, for years now—I've been putting on a happy face, pretending everything's alright. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the time everything is alright, but there are just some days where it would be easier if...

When my partner asks me if I'm alright, I always smile and say "Of course! Why would I not be alright?", and to him why on Earth wouldn't everything be alright? I have everything most people want in their life.

I have a loving partner who, like most people could use a tune-up from time to time. I know he loves me, but he just doesn't understand what it's like to live inside my head. Most of the time when I try to talk to him about this kind of thing, he tells me to quit being dramatic, that there's nothing wrong, or that I need to suck it up. A lot of the time I get upset thinking he's being an insensitive jerk, but I know he says most of this stuff because he doesn't understand. He loves me, he just doesn't get me..or at least that's what I tell myself.

I have one beautiful daughter and another baby on the way in the spring. My daughter is my whole world! I would seriously move mountains for this little girl, and I know it will be the same for baby number two. My daughter, she totally changed me and my life the moment she was born. Nothing was about me or what I wanted anymore, it was all about her.

I know most people struggle with this concept when they become parents, but I actually kind of like it this way, it makes it easier to choose life on days when I am really struggling. Sometimes though, I just feel like she would have a better life if I wasn't her mom. I don't even know why I feel this way, just one of those things your brain tries to convince you of when you're already having a hard time I guess.

I have a wonderful and supportive family. Sure, right now many of them are far away, and I don't get to see them as often as I would like to, but I know they are always there for me when I need them.

I have all these wonderful blessings in my life, but yet some days I still feel absolutely fucking miserable! Some days I just feel like it would be so much easier to end it all then to constantly battle the demons in my head so I can continue to make people think that I'm happy and okay. How fucking ungrateful of me! I've been given so many wonderful things in my life and yet I still, every once in a while, feel like it's too much, or not enough, or that I don't deserve it, or whatever...I still just feel like I want to die.

I know there will always be part of me that feels this way, the part that feels like I'm just not cut out for this, the part that feels I am not worthy of such a wonderful life and that I should give it away to someone else, the part that wants to die. I know I can't ever run away from this part of me, but I also know that the part of me that loves my life, the part that sees the beauty in everything and wants to live life to the fullest, that part of me will always win this battle inside myself, because it has to, I have too much to live for.

I am suicidal, but I'll be okay, because I have to be.