I'd Like to Think That I Can Be Fixed

I have come to the theory that I am broken and need to be fixed.

I feel like a malfunctioning microchip from a computer. One of those that cause several pop ups that tell you you have about 100 viruses now coursing through your software.

I feel like an Edgar Allan Poe movie. They come across as very confusing but little do you know how much psychological distress and pain is going on from beginning to end. There is probably every psychological issue known to man being shown, and you just don’t know it.

It feels like my brain is constantly at war with itself. Every part of it is trying to fight another, but everyone is losing. And at least half the time there is no particular reason they are fighting each other; maybe in some weird way they just like to fight. It’s a never ending battle where every part is almost dying but never does and the cycle just repeats over and over and over again.

I’d like to think that I could be fixed. There are some things that when they break you can repair them and they will be almost as good as new, but then there are other things that just can’t be fixed. Like if you break a bone, with proper tools you can fix it to an extent, but it will never be as strong again as it once was. Thing is, you can’t really fix the brain. Better said, you can’t really fix the mind. I just feel like I’m one of the things that simply can’t be fixed.

It would be one thing if this was the first time I had felt like this, if I just came to the point where I hit rock bottom and there was nowhere else to go but up. But it isn’t the first time. It’s probably like the fifth time, the tenth time, or maybe even the hundredth time. Every now and then, out of nowhere, my brain just goes to this place and there is nothing I can do to get myself out of this poisonous mindset. And every time, I think, this is it, this is the absolute worst it can get, the worst that I could feel, but somewhere down the line things do in fact get worse.

I just want to know why. I think that is where my interest in psychology comes from. I want to learn how the mind works. No, I want to know how my mind works, why it works the way it does. I have a huge tendency already to overanalyze everything, so to be able go further in a way just makes sense to me. Of course, it doesn’t help in the idea of getting out of my head. I get in my head about everything: who I am as a person, am I really all that good or bad. The way I look, is it appropriate, do I feel comfortable. The way I feel about myself, roughly twenty-five cons and twelve pros. The way I work, am I working hard enough, am I doing everything to the best of my ability, is my best good enough.

Of course at this point anyone may be getting worried about what my next intentions are. I can assure you suicide isn’t one, it hasn’t be one for a long time. And the idea of death doesn’t necessarily creep around for me in the way you think. When I think of death, I am absolutely terrified about the idea. Not only because I’m afraid what will come after it, but because I will truly be happy and successful before that time comes. I’m always so worried about the next step that I’ll never get to where I wanted to be at that next step and then one day that next step just won’t come and I’ll have missed it. But that doesn’t make the ability to truly live in the moment and take every day, day by day, any easier.

The feelings it leaves in my body has only gotten worse. Before, I would simply feel shaky in my hands, headaches, and then a few headaches here and there. Now, there are days where my chest will feel tight and I feel endless shaking throughout my body. Even worse, almost every day I get this endless feeling of nausea along with my stomach feeling sour or even rotten. The headaches also get worse, and have gotten more frequent. One time I had a headache every day for five days straight. Today along I have had three separate headaches, how great is that? Worst of all I’m always crying. You would think after how much crying I have done that there would be nothing left, but there are always more.

Will I one day turn to suicide because of this? I surely hope not.

I hope I eventually can start feeling better in a physical sense.

I hope I can learn to really get out of my head and control my thoughts.

Maybe if I could just see more of the good and not just all of the bad.

I wish I could feel like this less often than I do.

Maybe there is something I haven’t tried yet that can help.

I’d like my brain to be more at ease more often.

I wish someone could understand what is going on in my head.

I don’t want to continue to feel like I’m malfunctioning.

I’d like to think that I can be fixed.