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I Don't Quite Measure Up...

A Story of My Battle With Eating Disorders

By Lucy StridePublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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"What's the matter?" my mum asked me one day with a look of concern. "I'm fine," I replied as I had many times before. The truth is I was not.

That morning I had stood in front of the mirror, yet again looking at all my imperfections. I had told myself I must do something about the roll of fat on my hips.

The night before I researched what foods I must eat to burn off fat. The day before that I had begun a rigid calorie controlled diet, eating no more than 500 calories a day. Carbohydrates were out of the question, as I had heard they can make you fat.

This may all seem quite ridiculous to the untrained eye. Maybe you are thinking "Why does any of that matter? She needs to get a grip." Well, the trouble was in my mind I had tunnel vision.

Once the anorexia crept into my life, I had blocked out everything else and the only thing I could think of was I must lose weight. Nothing else mattered.

This is the harsh truth of any type of eating disorder. Once it comes into your life, it dominates every part of you. You begin to forget who you are, your values, and what brings you joy in life. It’s as if you constantly walk around with a storm cloud over your head.

I began to feel frustrated and isolated. It seemed there was no one who understood how tense I felt whenever I ate. I just could not eat certain foods out of fear of pilling on the pounds.

These thoughts escalated to the idea that I must control everything and, my actions began to reflect this mindset. I had to eat with a small plate, to control the portion. I had to buy certain packaged foods in the supermarket, that I knew had hardly any fat. I could not enjoy eating out anymore with friends or family because all could think of was how are they preparing the food. I would wonder whether it would be drenched in oil and fat. I had a knot in my stomach, I sat alone with my fears. I had to do endless abdominal workouts and cardio routines. I had to weigh myself every day after every meal.

At the time it made me feel strong as if I was on a road to perfection; however, all these actions had consequences. The weight began to drop off me fast, although at the time it felt like it would not budge. As this behaviour continued it became more difficult to stop and I was stuck in a continuous circle of worry and fear. I would say by then I became very depressed.

I found a quote online one day to convey anorexia that said: "I don't quite measure up." This was a phrase I could relate to in both a physical and emotional sense. I didn't feel I measured up to what I needed to be in life.

As you can imagine my family was very worried and, in a desperate effort to help, my supportive mum gave me a book called Puppet on a String. This book was written by another sufferer of anorexia who had recovered. The way she described anorexia struck a nerve with me. In the book, it described having anorexia as feeling like a puppet on a string who was being controlled and steered in the wrong direction. The author had used anorexia to deal with underlying issues just like me.

This description summed up everything I had been feeling and I began to realize I was not alone. Other people were out there suffering exactly the same, and some were much worse. It was the perspective I needed and, for the first time in a while, I felt in touch with reality.

Suddenly I knew why I was stuck in a controlled mindset, it was because I had so often felt out of control in my life. On reflection, I had often had no self-worth, I had felt like a failure as I struggled academically, and I never knew how I would live up to my siblings, who I felt were much brighter. I felt plain and awkward with no confidence in who I was.

Collectively it was a mixture of these things that sent me on a downward spiral. I thought my eating disorder would fix these things when really I needed to look at myself instead.

One day I decided enough is enough. I want to beat this. With my new found attitude and the help of my family, I wiped the slate clean and began to discover what my strengths were. I looked into what made me happy and how I could slowly piece my life back together.

I began to realize that although I was not academic, I had intelligence in other areas. For instance, I have always been a creative and imaginative person. I have emotional intelligence and an understanding of other people. I have a determination and a passion to succeed. All these things were the recipe I needed, to gain back my self-belief.

At college, I knuckled down, determined to succeed and get into a university that was right for me. After a little research, I knew Falmouth was the place where I could find a path to happiness and, reach my full potential with textile design.

All the hard work and the hours I put in paid off as before I knew it. I had a place at Falmouth in Cornwall to study textile design. By refocusing my life I was in a brand new place, newly independent, and ready to have new experiences.

Four years on from that point, I have finished university and I am graduating this summer woo!

Although I have had relapses at times with my anorexia, I am gradually getting stronger. It has by no means been a smooth road to recovery. Every day I continue to fight against it.

I could not have done it without my amazing family, my friends, and my boyfriend, who whether they know it or not, are incredibly positive people. They have always been there to light up my day and support me. It is so worth fighting back against anorexia, for yourself and your loved ones.

I'm sharing this story with you today, not for any sympathy on my part, but to empower and encourage anyone who feels this way currently to know that you are worth so much. Know that there is always something worth fighting for when you look hard enough.

To anyone out there who feels like they are alone please seek out help from the NHS (who are amazing selfless people who work so hard!), your family, your friends, or a tutor. Don't give in to anorexia—it does not own you. I'm now proud to say I do measure up to who I want to be.

For further information on how to get support please visit:

Mind

Anorexia & Bulimia Care

Beat Eating Disorders

My Illustration Moodboard

Illustrating my behaviour when I had anorexia

eating
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About the Creator

Lucy Stride

Hi, I'm Lucy! While studying at Falmouth I found writing and textiles went hand in hand. My writing was a great therapy and my textile collections conveyed social issues when I was lost for words. I want to make a change through both arts.

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