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I Finally Had the Courage...

Trichotillomania

By Rebecca JohnsonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I have been suffering from Trichotillomania (Trich) since I was about five years old. I know what my trigger is, my mom. She was always and still is very verbally abusive to me, starting from an early age. I remember sitting in my room for hours pulling out my hair from my head and hiding it under my bed or buried on my trash can under papers. She would see my bald spots and yell at me because she thought I was using scissors to cut my hair. She would spend hours in my bedroom doorway yelling at me to give her the scissors. Between her and me getting bullied at school, I was able to transition from my head to my eyelashes, which were harder for people to notice. I like to feel the pain of the strand of hair being pulled out, I find it comforting, because I was used to hurting. I always suffered alone. I got married to my ex-husband when I was 21, we were together for about 13 years and have five beautiful kids together. My Trich eased up some because I was so busy being a mom. But sometimes, when I was really stressed, I would sit there at night while watching TV with him and would start pulling at my eyelashes again, he would ask me why I was doing that. I would tell him it was out of stress, and he would accuse me of cheating, saying if I wasn't doing anything behind his back then I wouldn't be stressed. Well fast forward to 2012, I'm pregnant with our fifth baby and I found out he cheated on me the whole pregnancy! I tried for over a year to make the marriage work, but in the end, I decided to leave him. Soon after I got my own place and settled in to my new life I met the most amazing man, we fell in love and got married in 2016. I feel connected to him in a way that I have never felt before, he's always there for me. But with the stress of trying to co-parent with the ex and dealing with my still verbally abusive mother my pulling has been at an all-time high. I have no eyelashes right now, I use eyeliner to hide my bald lash line. I feel so ugly. I was poking around online and that's when I found that it had a name and that millions of people suffer from it. I read their stories and didn't feel so alone anymore, I felt like I belonged to this special community and that there were ways to beat it with the proper support system. So being scared to death I told my husband I wanted to talk to him, so we sat down. He asked me what was wrong and through my tears I told him I suffered from Trichotillomania. He didn't know what it was so I told him about what I do to my eyelashes and that I cover it up with makeup, he smiled and said he never noticed because he loves me for who I am and that I was beautiful with or without eyelashes. I finally had the courage to face my fears of someone finding out what I was doing and there was no shaming, only love. He wants to help me in any way possible to get through this, he would even go to therapy and hold my hand if I wanted. I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders, so much so that I don't wear makeup around the house anymore to hide it from him. I actually feel closer to him on a new level now because of the love and support he gives me. If you suffer from Trich, don't be afraid to admit it to yourself and to someone who you trust, because once you do you will feel like a new person with the strength to face this with your head held high.

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