I Get Knocked Down

Lately, I have felt like it has been one thing after another. Like I am one of those Bobo toys that you hit and it just pops right back up or a Weeble that wobbles but it doesn’t fall down. I have cried, stayed up nights overthinking everything and been irritable and cranky at even the best of times. Add a stressful job and family troubles to that mix and it becomes a feat of strength to even get out of bed in the morning.

Sometimes, anxiety and depression can just seem like an old sweater in the back of the closet that you pull out sometimes because it is worn in and comfortable. It envelopes you and brings you to a place you’ve been a hundred times, even if it is old, ratty and probably something that should be done away with. There have been times where I have wallowed in my misery and sadness, letting it take me over and hold me tight.

Patton Oswalt does a bit about his depression, a condition he has spoken very openly about. He begins by mentioning that his dog now knows the order of operations leading up to going on a walk and, as each task is accomplished, the dog is visibly more excited until the leash is in hand and he loses his mind. Oswalt says his depression is the same way. When he forgets to take his medication, or runs out, his depression acts the same as the dog—getting more “excited” with each passing day, his symptoms becoming more and more apparent. It is a funny bit, while being completely honest about the difficulty and struggle of living with anxiety and depression.

More often than not, however, my depression and anxiety are like a great, big, black monster that follows me around, whispering to me that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart or talented enough…it whispers that, regardless of all of my effort and work, I will never be successful or enough. This voice has followed me around for most of my life and it is so hard to not listen every now and then. I have tried drinking to quiet it; I have my faith that I rely on most times to quiet my mind. However, sometimes my anxiety and depression take and take until I am left with nothing but tears, insomnia and emptiness. I lie in bed, contemplating how awful and useless I am or how, once again, I am ruining my husband’s life by being “broken.” I feel bad because of my diagnoses, as well as feeling guilty about feeling bad—how messed up is that? I then spend the time between these lows picking up the pieces and trying, again, to glue them back together while attempting to mend relationships that I may have fractured with words or inactivity.

Sometimes, it is okay to feel broken and sad and down. It is okay to allow yourself to feel your emotions. It is not okay to spend days upon days in bed, rendered immobile because of such severe symptoms.

Don’t you think you and I deserve better than this? We, as people, deserve happiness, joy, peace and calm. We deserve a full night’s sleep, pleasant dreams, and healthy social interactions. We deserve to have a mind that is occasionally at rest. This new year, I am vowing to love myself—in spite of the scars, hurts, pessimism, infertility, and all of my past mistakes and baggage. I am fully aware that happiness is easier said than achieved but it is not impossible. A few keys to success in any endeavor are a strong support system, desire to achieve the goal (because no change can happen until you truly want it to), and the correct tools with which to do it. As the Chumba Wumba song goes, I get knocked down…but I will get up again. You’re never going to keep me down.