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"I Got Troubled Thoughts, and the Self Esteem to Match, What a Catch"

My Life Living with Bipolar Disorder... So Far

By Mania MermaidPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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(Note: The title is taken from Fall Out Boy's song "What a Catch, Donnie")

Accepting a Mental Illness

My teenage years and early adulthood felt like a tumultuous storm of self-destructive behaviour, an inability to fit in, and a desperate agony to just be happy, or to feel like everyone else.

I spent nights out, drinking as much as humanly possible for a small 5ft tall girl. I thought that drinking and being the clown to forget my own personal demons made me a likeable and better person, when in fact it just highlighted my emptiness, with unimaginable force when I sobered up.

Once I was told by my psychiatric doctor that I have Bipolar disorder and also Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder, I burst into tears. For most people, this would be because they were fearful for the future, or because they didn't want such diagnoses over their head.

For me, it was an ocean of relief and meant finally understanding why I am the way I am. Why on some days, I literally can't make myself leave the house, and I will avoid every person that might speak to me at all costs, whereas other days, I'm Little Miss Social.

It is definitely not an easy diagnosis to get, and I struggle with it every single day... Naps are my saviour!

I know now that I view the world in a unique and colourful way. I'm sure most people with mental illness do, but it is so much a part of my being, that I really don't feel that my wife, and family and friends would recognise me as their loved one if I was suddenly void of my kooky and eccentric personality.

Bipolar is also the part of my personality that I thank for my creative soul, my passion for the things that I hold dear and my fiery dark sense of humour.

I doubt that without it, I would be so very happily married, or have a yearn to educate myself because of my child like curiosity. Because without Bipolar, I wouldn't be the version of myself that I am now.

So while it's a little bit annoying that I have to take my lithium every single night at 18:00 on the dot, and I don't always feel as though I can trust my own judgement, and all the other negatives that are apparent with Bipolar disorder, I am now embracing my condition just as part of who I am.

I wish that more was done in order for other people with mental health conditions to be able to be comfortable with their own illness as well.

Now I am stable, and although I still find every day a struggle, I don't feel the need to escape myself, and I don't feel the need to constantly ricochet from one addiction or compulsive behaviour to another.

The correct medication and more appropriate health care has been the mental and emotional exorcism that I have craved with every part of my heart for so many years.

Mental health is still very much in a fog of stigma. I hope that speaking about it in a frank and forthright way, that it might help at least one person to know that the fear and avoidance of mental health doesn't have to exist, if we treat mental health as we do physical conditions.

Nobody should feel backed into a corner by mental health, it most certainly isn't how you are defined as a person, but it is paramount to your wellness and happiness from my experiences to be able to accept it, and learn to live alongside it as harmoniously as possible.

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About the Creator

Mania Mermaid

I am an eccentric, antique collecting book worm, who is fiercely passionate and creative.

I have Bipolar disorder and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

I'm married to my soul mate, an animal lover and a hairdresser/business owner.

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