I Like Being Sad.

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness." This line from Gotye's song has resonated with me ever since I first heard it in 2012. There are times when I'm really happy and life is great, but there are always unpleasant memories that surface at any given time. I'm not depressed (I hope not) but I am sensitive. Most of my sadness stems from relationships with guys, gender norms we females have to live up to, and me constantly worrying about my future as a prospective software developer/software engineer. See? I still don't even know what I want to do exactly, hence the "/" between the two professions. I also get upset when I hear about current events such as the racism that spiraled as a result of the current political state in the U.S., poverty, pediatric cancer deaths/cancer in general, domestic abuse, violence, natural disasters, and plenty more. I am a lucky woman who has the best of things. I have an amazing family, supportive friends, a college education (still in progress), financial stability (family wise), a house, sufficient food to eat, and great health (knock on wood). There is a lot more gratefulness where that comes from.

I think - no I know - that I have insecurities and a lack of self-esteem at times. Sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve to be happy or successful when it comes to day to day victories or just life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love spending money on makeup, skincare, clothes, food, etc. I am quite hedonistic and admit to indulging in pleasure. However, there is always a voice in the back of my mind that guilts me into thinking that I'm undeserving of the finer things in life. If I have taken away anything from these conflicting feelings, it's that most things have a dual nature, at least when it's perceived to be just good. There is nothing that is 100% good. When I buy makeup, I'm losing money. If I ever buy a large, beautiful beach house with a pool and jacuzzi, I'm taking away someone else's opportunity to have that house. This might sound absurd. I think it is at times too, but the feeling of unwarranted, unnecessary guilt just lingers. Maybe I need help, maybe not. But I like to think that this kind of thinking keeps me grounded and humble. I like indulging but I do not want to succumb to selfishness and narcissism.

Sadness makes me more productive, gives me time to reflect, and allows me to challenge myself. It also gives me a sense of purpose when it comes to helping others. If I'm sad, I can help others avoid this feeling, if not overcome it. Apparently depressed people have this same mentality. They are the ones most likely to help others out emotionally since the pain of their own long-term sadness is something they don't want others to experience.

The irony is that even though I get upset at times, I always try to see the positive in every situation. A break up for me represents more time to focus on myself, my career, and my future. A creative medium such as Vocal helps me express my thoughts as well. Whenever I'm sad, or just not feeling my best, I write on here to let it out or focus on something that isn't sadness. I want to be sad, since it's a raw emotion that is healthy to feel (to an extent), but my subconscious also wants to run away from it.

I have to be honest and admit that I literally Googled "why do I like being sad?" in an incognito window. I didn't want my family or friends to use my computer and see that search, but after clicking on those links and conducting research, I realized that I am not alone in feeling this and that there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. I want to explore this feeling further and try to find myself. Sadness allows me to open my heart up to more people. My compassionate nature allows me to grow as a person every day. Sadness, to an extent, can be healthy and is a valid human emotion.