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I'll Never Ask for Help

Five Things I'll Never Tell You I Need

By Erica HalePublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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I can generally feel the panic attacks coming. I have some indication earlier in the day or I had a dream the night before that will almost certainly set me off, given the right triggers later. I know enough about my trauma and my past to know what "gets me going," as they say. This enlightenment has come from years of therapy and self-reflection, as well as mountains of input from my spouse.

My spouse has been my greatest source of healing and influence in my road to recovery. Of course, I'll never actually be 100% over my past traumas and hurts, but I have and will continue to become stronger.

Over the years, I've come up with a list of five things I've had a hard time asking for but that have been the most helpful in my recovery. I want to share those with you in hopes that you may be able to relate to them or use them to help someone you love.

Number One: I'm going to have panic attacks. It's nothing personal. Please be patient with me.

This one seems pretty common sense, but asking my spouse for patience during my panic attacks was one of the hardest things I did in our early marriage. I felt tremendously guilty for being afraid. In the early stages of our marriage, panic attacks for me went like this: I would start crying, which would turn into full-body sobbing, my entire body would start shaking, and I felt like the walls were caving in. I could not even be in the same room as my spouse. If we were sitting next to each other or cuddling before, I would run into the other room. If my spouse followed, I would scream at her to get out. It took me a long time to see these attacks from her perspective, but how hard that must have been. I'm still so grateful for her grace and love during those times. Be patient. I promise, it gets better.

Number Two: Challenge me to be better than I am. Push me. Because I won't do it myself.

Healing takes time, we've all been told that. More so, though, healing takes EFFORT. It takes commitment and energy and when you suffer from depression or anxiety, those are commodities that are in high demand. Anxiety and depression make me feel empty, tired, and inert. Doing a load of dishes is an accomplishment, so healing and challenging myself? Absolutely not. It's hard and I don't want to. My wife knew that; she could see it. She challenges me daily and pushes me to be a better version of myself for no other reason than she loves me. So, be patient and be pushy.

Number Three: Listen to me talk about my past—over and over and over...

And over and over and over... You get the idea. Every time I tell my story, it gets easier. New pieces come to the surface. New hurts are put on display and allowed to heal. Some days, I can't talk about how my attacker used to stand at the door and watch me sleep. Other days, I can't talk about how I felt trapped and scared more often than not. Sometimes, maybe I can't tell you how some parts of it maybe weren't so awful. Each time, there is something new I need to process or work through and that involves hearing the same things a lot. By listening, by being present, my wife has helped me in ways I can't explain. Even if it is exhausting to hear the same thing a million times.

Number Four: Remind me that I deserve to exist and to be happy about it.

I've told my wife so many times that I don't want to be alive anymore. At the moment, I mean it. I've never harmed myself and I have never attempted suicide, but there are some days the burden of existing feels like too much. Maybe I haven't slept in several nights and the major panic attack I just had feels like it may just rip my lungs out of my chest. Possibly, my anxiety has just been high all week and I'm tired and feel hopeless. Regardless, she reminds me that I'm worth it. She tells me daily how beautiful or wonderful I am and how worthy I am of her adoration. I need to hear that each and every time.

Finally, Number Five: Don't be afraid to get angry at me, if necessary.

I am a lot of things, but a delicate flower is not one of them. I have been through some things and seen some stuff. I have survived what others have deemed insurmountable and I have become stronger for it. That being said, sometimes I am a little bit pathetic when it comes to my anxiety and I tend to wallow. It's not cute. It's aggravating and stressful. When my wife has tried all of the above, sometimes she just needs to give me a reality check. She tells me to get over it and pull myself out of it. It may sound harsh, but sometimes it is the kick in the pants I need to get up and try to help myself. She does it out of a place of love and knowledge that she can't and will not heal me for me. I have to do the hard work. She is my support system, but I have to get off my butt and do it, so she gets angry at me. I love her for it.

Depression is hard. Anxiety is hard. It is not a life sentence. There is hope and light and love, if you look in the right places. Get up. Do the work. Feel the love. If you are reading this because someone you love suffers from these things, feel free to reach out. Talk to others in the same position. Talk to the person you love who is suffering and find out what they need, because everyone is different. Take care of yourself, friends. You are so, so loved.

coping
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About the Creator

Erica Hale

I am 30, live in small town, USA, and am married. Living life one day at a time.

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