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I'm Done With My Shame Complex

I realize I may not deal with as much trouble as I imagine.

By Iria Vasquez-PaezPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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I realize that I’m done with my shame issues. Here I have felt like I need to hide still, away from average people, hiding out my whole life. While because of 22q I have minor anatomical differences, I realize I’m good-looking. Feeling shame leads to feeling angry. Source. I’ve decided not to be as self-destructive anymore as I used to be with my alcoholism and caffeine addiction. I’m done feeling ashamed of myself, just because I think I need a therapist, which I have found, so don’t worry about that.

Shame is a reaction to judgment. You feel anger towards others, as well as with yourself. Shame can paralyze me as well as other people. Shame makes you feel stupid, useless and unworthy. I do not want to expose anybody to my shame complex. Shame takes energy to outrun. It is an effort to not feel it. It haunts my every waking moment sometimes. I realize I’m not doing a great job setting an example for other people if I spend my life hiding out, claiming I need to keep myself private. If my abilities are real, I have to start seeing them as real.

Only because my abilities are in fact, real since I can melt metal into another shape using my chi or super-strength, or whatever. Yes, I’m talking about real things here when I say what I can do with my energy. I have seen objects move with my mind. Shame should not be ever-present with me because of that. Every human on this planet can do what I can do. I have a harsh internal dialog which patterns itself after my mother’s behavior. I guess I judge myself way too much.

I’m working on feeling compassionate towards myself, realizing that, in fact, there was never anything wrong with me to begin with, that my family made things up about how I have a disability when I do not. Telling a kid that accidents happen is one way to equalize their behavior so that they do not develop a shame complex. But telling a kid, it’s “all your fault,” this means that they will develop a shame complex after all. Shame comes from being belittled a lot.

I feel ashamed of asking anybody for help. I have to do things on my own a lot. I’m too proud to ask for help. I try not to need anything from anybody. Shame creates a trap in my head. The article I’m citing states to attune yourself to the script your inner dialog is creating. Sometimes my own brain is mean to me. I’m trying to learn how to be my own best friend still. A child should not be hurt as severely as I was from my classmates while I was growing up. I find forgiving myself for not trying harder to escape my situation to be difficult. I’m trying to learn detachment.

I clearly have a lot of work left to do on myself before I move to L.A. Shame does distract me a bit, only by undermining my ability to focus. Is what I write good enough? Are my thoughts responsible for creating my reality, good enough? Shame is a toxic emotion that I’m done with. I’m tired of feeling shame for feeling good on top of that. I have various forms of anxiety that I need to get treated, so the good news is that I found a therapist. I need to find a way to cope with my feelings better.

Works Cited

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/shame

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201704/overcoming-the-paralysis-toxic-shame

coping
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About the Creator

Iria Vasquez-Paez

I have a B.A. in creative writing from San Francisco State. Can people please donate? I'm very low-income. I need to start an escape the Ferengi plan.

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