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I'm Not "Okay"

An Open Letter to My Abusers

This is a real, raw, unedited letter. It comes from a place of intense emotion and pain.

I am seething, quietly, internally.

I was a doe eyed, bright child. A shooting star full of life and hope. I wanted to be everything. I wanted to experience life and all it had to offer. My world was magic.

You stole that from me. You stole my stars and crushed them. You took away my light and kept me in darkness. My ambition crumbled like my dreams and left me an empty shell of fear and sorrow.

I am a carefully crafted brick wall. So strong, and thick it holds my demons prisoner. If I let my guard down for a second it too begins to crumble, my demons bubble to the surface and escape my body in sobs and screams and vomit. I try to reign it all in but it's too much, my thoughts escape my lips in nonsense and gibberish reducing a grown woman to a small child in seconds.

These are the invisible scars you left on me. I know no peace, I know no safety. I'm familiar with dark and terrible things that haunt my memories and dreams. Everything is a reminder. My brain no longer get knows the difference between danger and safety, between enemy and friend. My eyes see only demons everywhere. You stole the wonder from my life and left me with terror.

You killed me. You killed who I was, who I was going to be. You left me searching for my place, questioning my very reality. I used to wonder how someone like that could sleep at night, how they could live with themselves. I know now, that you live because you stole my will to live. You needed it to live with yourself.

You manipulated the world around me and painted me the villain. I took on the blame, I carried your burdens. In the mirror, I became everything you said I would be. You poisoned my mind against itself. I want you to feel what I've felt all these years.

I want you to wake up gasping for breath and drenched in cold sweat after a night of dreams filled silent screaming and paralyzing fear.

I want you to burst into tears when you look at me, the way I do when I look at you. I want you to feel sick to your stomach when you remember every time you hurt me.

My hands tremble when I remember. My mind races and I can't think or speak. Every frown, every raised voice or slammed door fills me with adrenaline. I'm overwhelmed by one thought: survive.

You left me a hollow shell, a ghost of a girl who can no longer function as a human. I'm so afraid to forget to survive for even one second. I know I will lose control, and everyone will see just how damaged I've become. I'm a liar now. A robot on auto pilot. I smile and nod, and say I'm fine. Inside I'm screaming, and ranting, and crying.

You stole innocence in every form. I shrink and recoil from a comforting hug, a friendly handshake. My stomach churns at the well-meaning compliment.

"Don't touch me." "Don't get too close." "Please just go away." My brain chants at every encounter. Because of you, I question every touch, analyze every motive. I can't trust anyone, even myself.

You stole my future and left me looking for a way out. You made me feel so worthless, so monstrous. You made me hate my very skin. I'm constantly tearing myself apart and picking up the pieces, trying to make myself whole again. Perhaps if I can find a new way to make them fit it will somehow erase the past.

I fight through each moment guarding my emotions until I can break down in solitude. My desperation for normal is so intense I ignore pain, emotion, anything that shines a light on the truth so that I can slip by silently. I stand in the background of my own life praying no one notices me.

I used to dream of being a hero, now I dream of disappearing without a trace. 

You unleashed horrors upon me that still haunt my every waking thought, and then you just left.  You shattered me and walked away without a second thought.

 I'll never be the same. 

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I'm Not "Okay"
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