I'm Not Okay

You don't know hard something is weighing on you until you've had to admit that you are not mentally okay. That you can't do something because inside, it's killing you. It's even harder to admit that you can't do something that's expected to be an everyday thing. Admitting that you are not okay is such a rarity in today's world. Everyone wants to be okay. Everyone wants everyone else to think that they have it all together and have it all under control.

But why?

Why, when we live in such a high-stress world, does everyone expect us to be able to handle it? Why, when we're all feeling some kind of stress that we know we shouldn't bear alone, do we still try to bear it alone? Instead of opening up to people, instead of asking for help, we turn to things like drinking, smoking, drugs... because now, that's easier than talking to someone and admitting that the pressure from everyday life is starting to get to us. And as we turn to these things to relieve the stress from our problems, they become our problems.

So why do we go through all this, just to create bigger problems for ourselves? Because of ego. Because everyone has an inflated ego and doesn't want to admit to needing help because needing help would mean you can't do it alone and you're weak. But I think the weak people are the people who go through life expertly avoiding the fact that they need help. Some of the strongest people I've ever met are the people who openly admit to needing help at every curve-ball. Some of the weakest people I know are the people who try to do it all themselves and say they are okay when they are clearly not.

I am very guilty of telling people that I am okay when I am clearly not. But it wasn't pointed out to me until an NA meeting. I was there and they asked why I was there and I shared only a small portion of my story. Then someone asked if I was okay. I nodded, it was second nature. Of course I was okay. I am always okay. There, it was pointed out that if I was okay, then I wouldn't be at this meeting. I was standing in a room full of people who were there because they were not okay and I couldn't admit that I was also not okay.

We are groomed to tell people that we are okay, or good. But it shouldn't be our knee jerk reaction. It also shouldn't be a knee jerk reaction for people to ask us how we're doing when they don't really care. So stop. Break the norm. When someone asks you if you are okay, don't just answer, think about it. Are you okay? If not, what can they do to make you okay? Even if you just tell someone and all they can do is give you a hug, tell someone. Take that hug. Babies can literally die from lack of physical affection; from not being hugged enough. You are not weak if you need someone to hug you and tell you that eventually, it will all be okay. You are human. No one person can survive this world completely alone. Everyone needs help at some point.

I am not okay. I am stressed and most days I feel like my world is traveling one billion times faster than I can run. But I have family and friends that hug me and help me. I would be nothing without them. With them I know, that eventually I will be okay.