I'm Not Okay and That's Okay

I'm not always okay. There are times that I think about death. There are times where I want to die. There are times that I hate my existence. I realize that this might not be what people close to me want to hear. They would love to hear that I am doing great and my mental health couldn't be better; it makes my sad that I can't tell them this is so. I want to tell anyone right now that things don't get better right away and when they do get better, you aren't automatically fixed.

I don't mean to sound like a downer or make things look like there is no hope for you. That is not at all what I am trying to say. You do have hope and there is a chance to make your life better. I just want you guys to be realistic so that you don't get your feelings hurt like mine were. Let me explain what I mean.

After I was diagnosed with depression, I was both relived and miserable. I was relieved because I finally had a name to the feeling that hung over my life for the last few years. I was miserable because I didn't know what to do to fix it and felt like I would never get better. I was stuck in a hole that was covered in cooking oil and had huge storm clouds over head.

When I first got a medication I was doing even worse than before. I was a mood swing away from being a sobbing mess wherever I was at. I remember being hit by a such a wave of sadness that I could not function. I was clutching the kitchen counter and was so sad that I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream. I was lucky that the feeling left almost as soon as it came but I didn't know what to do other than sit it out.

After that disaster happened I was put on another medication. I had to take a slow approach to it so I could avoid a repeat of last time but it worked. Once I was fully on the medication I was feeling better than I had in a while. Those storm clouds over my head were now just a medium gray. Once I started going to therapy the gray clouds turned into a normal overcast. Things were great and I was doing good.

So what went wrong? If I was doing so great before why am I writing this? Because as the cliche goes "what goes up must come down". School has always been a rough spot for me; I put all of my success and worth into how well I do at school. When I did terrible at my classes and had to repeat them over again, it messed me up. I was going back to the old ways of sitting in my bed late at night and watching YouTube to not focus on my sadness; I went back to laying in my bed for days and only leaving it for basic human necessities, if even that.

If I didn't have my family to help me keep my head calm I would lose my mind. I don't think I would be alive if it weren't for my family. Everyone has their thing that brings them down, they also have that thing that brings them up.

I've had my highs as well as my lows and while I don't always handle them the best, I've been getting better. That is why I tell you that I am not okay. Because I still have my times were I sleep way longer than I should. I still get depressed about where I'm at in life. I still have times where I don't feel like going on, but I keep going. I keep going on despite all this. I'm still going to keep going. I'm not okay and that's okay.