I'm Not What I Seem

My name is Matthew Duguay. I was born on May 25, 1994, to my loving parents, Deanne and Brent. I have two siblings, a younger brother and sister named Samuel and Arianne, respectively. I work a full-time job as a laborer and customer service representative in a salvage yard. I feel as if most people would describe me as a happy, fun-loving, young guy who enjoys life all around and tries to make every moment matter, but there's more to this tale then what appears.

I won't beat around the bush: I have mental health issues and quite a few of them. The more commonly diagnosed disorders are clinical depression and anxiety, but there is a much heavier weight on my shoulders than that. While I have not been officially diagnosed, doctors have told me that some of the conditions I may have include Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Stress-Induced Psychosis.

The reason they believe I have these disorders are mainly because of symptoms such as rapid and sporadic mood changes, hearing voices, flashbacks, and nightmares, among others. I feel that the worst part about these symptoms is that, due to certain elements of my life such as my job and my band, I can't afford to display any of these symptoms which, as a result, usually erupts in an explosion of either anger or sadness.

My negative life experiences have played a main role with my mental state, so much so to the point where it has affected my relationships in life, whether it's family, friends, or romantic relationships. Due to these experiences so personal to me, I'll save myself the headache of listing them off. What I will say is that I wouldn't wish these on my worst enemy, be it something I've done or something that's happened to me.

Most of these negative experiences culminated to self-harming, primarily cutting and burning, and eventually resulted in a suicide attempt when I was 20-years-old. I tried to hang myself with a guitar patch cable and was moments away from losing consciousness, but I stopped myself. Since then, I have not attempted suicide, but I have self-harmed and dealt with suicidal ideation.

The reason I tell you this tale is because I believe that had it not been for these experiences, I would not be the man I am today. I have a steady job, I've performed in the same heavy metal band for close to three years now, and I find that taking care of my mental health has been a lot easier. If you are reading this and you're having a tough time with life right now, just know this:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The reason I was able to pull through was because of the amazing people in my life. My loving and caring family, my amazing friends, my incredible bandmates. It's okay to ask for help. I know that there's a huge stigma around mental health, so maybe it's time we break it. You are not weird. You are not a monster.

You are strong.

You are loved.

You are a human being.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. Before I go, I want to leave you with a piece of wisdom my father gave me:

You can't just "get over" mental health. You CAN learn how to deal with it, then it just gets easier from there.

You can do this.