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I'm Sorry for What I Said When I Said It

I find that I have always felt better after hurting people, but learning how far it will mean for me to lose everything, I need to find a way to stop.

We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. - Sirius Black

In the past week, I crossed a line that involved hurting someone close to me and their family members. If I hadn't stopped it or said I was going to fix it, then it could have turned out much worse.

I read something interesting about some other Vocal writers battling with depression and being destructive with the life around them or Borderline Personality Disorder, and I thought that maybe I could share my own story about my own demons and why I write to make them go away or feel better at the end of the day.  

Writing as an Outlet

I had some fond memories of learning how to write the first time. It felt nice to have an outlet that was as creative as learning how to spell the next word in the dictionary or reading the dictionary to learn the syllables and appropriate words to practice for the day. Writing was creative and constructive. It got the words and thoughts out of my head that seemed as plugged up as my sinuses, until I found the right decongestant that could hack it all out.

When I was sick, I hardly had anyone to talk to. I was void of all friends and never really made any friends until I was in middle school. I never learned how to make friends or have any because I was locked away in some house under three blankets eating chicken noodle soup and drinking sprite all day.

But all those times I was home with some respiratory infection or recovering from a surgery I had to have, movies and books were some of the best outlets for me. I would watch nothing but Disney's Alice in Wonderland or Miyazaki's Kiki's Delivery Service for hours on end, until my mother begged for me to change the movie. I read Harry Potter and Vampire Kisses and began to develop a world of my own. I lived in my own head, had my heads up in the clouds, but when it came to friends and people I built relationships with, I hid my own personal feelings and thoughts from them because hurting someone close, especially someone like a friend, was enough to make me want to push the hurt towards me.

Negative Nancy vs. Positive Penny

Writing became the most constructive when I couldn't even talk to my own family. I became withdrawn and avoiding, partly because I didn't want to cause a fight and mostly because I felt that if I told them what I was dealing with, they wouldn't understand what to do. I wanted to talk about problems I was having at school. But everyday when I came home it was the same thing, hang out in my room until dinner was ready. Waiting to talk to someone was more like a punishment, than flicking off the TV and telling them point blank. I wanted to tell my mom anything. But hearing the television on and wanting to talk to her, it felt more like I couldn't talk and let her know how I was feeling throughout the day. So I took my writing to journals and then the internet, where I used a technological audience to talk about problems at my own home.

I focused a lot on the negative issues I was dealing with because who can I talk to to make this all go away and in return, can I find someone to confide in and hear their advice on how to take one foot in front of the other and make every day a better day than the last time?

When I focused on my negative perspective, it changed something inside me. It made everything darker, a shade of gray. But somehow I felt better. Turning everything into a negative light, letting my bias and cocky attitude get the best of me, made me feel in control of my life. It made me feel better about myself and who I was.

The problem I am dealing with now is how can I focus myself back to being happy? How can I take everything negative and hurtful, revert it or regroup my thoughts, to something positive and forward-thinking? I was struggling with being alone with my head, alone with my thoughts, twisting them into gnarled branches from something scorched, that it seems harder to find a light and make everything alive again.

For those out there I have hurt, I want to say I am sorry. You have let me be part of your life and I wish to continue to be in it. But sometimes I wish that everything I said, I could take back in penance and atonement for committing such harsh criticism against you. I am trying to find a way to make myself achieve happiness with the smallest of steps. If Alice could think of six impossible things before breakfast, then surely there can be six possible things I can do before going to work or saying goodnight and starting anew each day. Going for morning jogs, taking time to focus on myself and working on making me a better person are some of the precautions I am doing to become a better me. It takes 21 days to make a habit of something. Hopefully, in 21 days I have found proper channels to do so.

I want to feel better about myself and the world around me. It may take some time to wipe the slate clean, but looking forward, there's going to be some good days and some bad days. I just have to live in one moment where I can say it has been a good day or it has been a bad day and here is what I am going to do the next time to make it a different outcome. I want to have someone meaningful in my life. I want everyone to be happy at the end of the day and not just myself included.

Every day on my birthday, my wish is nothing like a desired object or life achievement. It is something everyone struggles with and hopefully achieve on their own without the use of anyone by their side: Being in love with myself. I long for the day I can wake up in the morning with the sunlight pouring through the window, and tell myself "good morning, beautiful" and have a smile on my face and a song through my head. That has always been my birthday wish and continues to be. It takes time, but hopefully, that day will come and I can share its magic with a special person and everyone in my life who has been of great importance alongside me. 

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