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I'm Trying to Escape

Escaping from the Void

By Aleisha MoorePublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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VOID

I have just recently turned 18.

I have one year left in school. I am studying three A-levels.

I am suffering from anxiety.

I'm a good faker. I fake a lot, especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. I'm not saying that when people ask how I am I respond with the world's answer of "fine, thanks." I'm talking about when I am with my friends, laughing at jokes that are no longer funny to me, smacking a smile on my face that I even begin to believe is real after a while. But then I go home, I get on the train and I think about my day and all I want to do is go home, curl up into a ball, and speak to nobody.

My parents are so calm and chilled when it comes to the ideas of Uni, however this was not the case several months ago. I had told my family that I wanted to take a year out, go traveling, explore the world before I have ties. This was not an option with my mum. The rows went on for weeks, she would tell her friends about it and then they'd come round and try and have a go at me for not wanting to go to university. I'm not angry at my mum, I understand why she wanted me to go, because she never had this opportunity as a child, but that's no reason to pressure your child into something they don't want to do. She's genuinely amazing and I love her so much, but for a few months our relationship was seriously rocky.

I hit a horrible phase of deep, dark depression—I was at a boarding school at the time which was a big factor to my mental state. This school I went to made me lonely, I had no friends, I would stay in my room all day, only coming out when I had classes. I'd lay in bed and sob for hours, eat dinner in my room and fall asleep. It was horrible and I'm glad I'm out of there now. But the arguments with my mum were all happening at this time. I'd come home from school on the weekends and asked, "So, have you decided on the uni you want?" "Have you done your work?" More and more questions every single day and finally, I just blew. I cried and cried to my dad, I told him how sad I was and how shitty I felt and he just held me, shocked, not realising any of this was happening. I told you; I'm a good faker.

Anyway, my mum and I made up and now she is in full support of whatever I want to do. However, I think because of what happened in the past, I've built up so much anxiety inside that it's started to pour out. I cry anytime University or school or the following year is brought up. I cry in bed sometimes just thinking about the future and I can easily see that that should not be happening and I shouldn't be panicking myself, but I can't seem to stop it. I don't know why it's happening.

As I have actually realised that at this moment in time my mental health isn't exactly great. I'm trying to force myself to stay positive. I cleaned my room today, made it as tidy as possible and it has made me feel so much better. I took a day to focus on myself. I'm trying to get my life in order because I don't want to feel lonely and anxious all the time. I know that from time to time it will happen, I know that sometimes I'm going to shut off from the world as I do every so often, but I'm trying. That's got to count for something? I'm trying to get myself to do things that actually interest me enough to get out of bed.

I just hope that after this year of exams, I'll be able to focus on my own mental and physical state. To look after myself, focus on what I genuinely need in my life.

I'm excited for the future instead of being terrified for once.

coping
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About the Creator

Aleisha Moore

I have a lot of things on my mind and I think this is a brilliant way for me to express them in my own way.

Hope you enjoy!

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