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I tried to kill myself when I was 14 years old. I was so upset that night when I emptied the medicine cabinet. Everything gone ... Bottoms up. My attempt at suicide began a snowball of events that had and have turned my life upside down. As I catch the news here and there, I have began to notice how many children are dying from suicide. I have a 9-year-old and I get chills down my spine and tears at the corners of my eyes as I write this. I could NEVER imagine finding him hanging. I'll go a step further as I tamp down the lump in my throat as I imagine my mom trying to wake me up for school the next morning, 15 years ago, to realize that I'm dead with a note in my hand. My family near and far would have been devastated.
My step sister found me before whatever I ingested hurt my insides. I was rushed to the hospital where they treated me for an overdose. It was the first time I had seen that side of medicine. It opened up the world of psychiatry to me. Since my suicide attempt, life has been completely out of my control and now that I am reaching 30, I've had enough.
Without lack of trying, I have tried keeping my sanity together for these 15 past years. At first, my mother handled my care throughout my adolescence. Her handle on it created a rift between us and I now have been estranged from the woman since 2012. It was and still is another mental health situation that needs fixing. Maybe I will go into that another day when I have the mental and emotional strength to touch on the topic of mundchausen syndrome with and without proxy.
I didn't jump into psychotherapy because I woke up one day and said, "I need a psychotherapist." I "awoke" into a self-conscience of gaining control because once again life fell out of my control. Call it Murphys law, law of attraction or karma. Whatever you believe in is what you gain and I am in full understanding that the manifestation of your world is up to you.
So back to the psychotherapy ... I figured out that I was becoming mentally weak and ailing from emotional abuse. My weakness came from many things. It just goes on and on.
*Maybe I will share my story here on Vocal in the future.*
I was unhinged ... Suicidal thoughts, sleeping all day for weeks, overeating and under eating, hermitage for days. It was bad. Very bad. It was when I had to beg for help when it came to my son is when I realized I hit a threshold that I dare not pass because he is who I live for.
I was speaking to my aunt when she recommended looking for help. After describing my fears of medicines, she advised me that I should " find somebody to talk to." I love her, she just reworded herself like a detective and you know what? It worked. She is my Yoda and I love her dearly, more than I can express in words. I followed her advice. She was right, I Just needed to talk about it. I needed help to get over issues that I have had for a long time that was creating a bubble of self- suffering. Let's be real, talking to myself was just making it the worst to handle. I was inadvertently weakening my resolve to become who I wanted to be.
Side note: This does not mean that people can't hit you with the mal de ojo (evil eye) and you come away unscathed. The evil eye is EVERYWHERE. These past couple of years helped me learn the direction of where ill will was coming from. You see, Earth and its inhabitants are energies with the power to make things go their way. Yes, this includes me AND includes you, dearies. Love yourself. Protect yourself.
It took me about three weeks to find the proper therapist. I went through a very long list of psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists. If it weren't for google I would probably still be looking. So at the point of where I see "psychotherapist"(since all the other therapists had bad ratings and some never even got back to me) I'm now like "fuck it, I choose you!" (989718539293 add me ✌). Sounds scary, right? PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Big word and I'm a bit intimidated. So, I laugh at myself now for jumping to assumptions because of course PSYCHO ... PSYCHOLOGY🤔 aha, talk about psycho😅. So anyways, he has NO reviews, NO stars, empty. I call him and leave a message ... I went with my instinct and I am happy with my decision.
Before I went to see him for our initial visit, I googled, "what is a psychotherapist" and came away surprised about something I had no clue existed. A psychotherapist is an umbrella term for a doctor who practices in all tiers of psychology. They will use all forms of therapy from talk and medicinal while combining elements of therapies how they see fit. They have three jobs to do and I will assume a person with such title has to love humans.
Psychotherapy ... It's pretty interesting and I advise you to learn of this sort of therapist if you are suffering from mental health illness(es). They deal with the basic to the most complex. I will admit, I'm there for something that is very complex and also absurd. Any other therapist would say, "and how does that make you feel?" Mine says, "That must have made you feel inferior." My favorite last Friday was, "Jeez, you don't look good. You okay?" And I proceeded to grab my messy mane (I was in a rush and forgot a scrunchie) and said , "Why? Is my fur in disarray?" We just laughed and I appreciate that about him. He has yet to diagnose me or prescribe meds, but I have to say, I have absolute trust in his treatment.
My psychotherapist ultimately is cool af. I don't ever feel like I'm in therapy. We talk about everything and anything and I look forward to my weekly appointments. I also look forward to completing my journey with him—not just my confidant, but my mentor. In fact, he is the first in his field to make me feel so comfortable. When I address him, I address him by his first name which makes our visits pleasant. I would recommend him in a heartbeat. I also would recommend this type of therapy for no matter the ailment of the mind. It is worth it for some peace of mind.