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I’ve kept so much to myself since the last three years. That was never me, I always loved to share myself with other people. Things changed though and i became very silent but now i feel the need to speak up. I come from a society where it is not acceptable to have mental disorders. So it was very hard for me to accept when I got my diagnosis. I’ve learned though that I cannot change who I am and just because of my diagnosis I don’t deserve love or happiness. There was a time when i had convinced myself of that. That I didn’t deserve to be part of the general community because I wasn’t normal. I was an outcast. That nobody deserved to be inflicted by my existence. Like I was the plague itself.
I was diagnosed with psychotic depression, anxiety disorder, and dissociative disorder, with a hint of paranoia. That’s quite the “rap sheet”, wouldn’t you say. I also, finally, am not ashamed to say that I used to self-harm. I went too far one day, and my friend, who I owe a lot now, saved me. Yes! I attempted suicide. And I’m not ashamed to say that. The pain was real and maybe not everyone can understand it. I was the most hopeless I’d been in my life. Imagine how hopeless one has to be to do the very thing that your basic instincts of self-preservation disallow you to.
I still cannot accept this to the people in my family or the people back home because my fear that my parents would be embarrassed by this. I would become a social pariah if anyone ever finds out. That being said, i wanna scream to the world. I survived! I survived! I SURVIVED!. I wanna scream it at the top of my lungs, and tell the world how proud i am for what i went through. These disorders are a part of me. I’m sorry that makes you love me less but for the first time in my life, I make sense to me. Everything fits like a perfect puzzle.
I always used to know, on some level, there was something not quite normal about me. I had so many questions in my mind and never enough answers. Now! I finally do. I understand. Even though the diagnosis wasn’t great but when I heard it, I experienced genuine relief. Like I had been holding my breath, waiting, for so long, and now I had finally gotten what I was waiting for. It was the most beautiful feeling ever. I know that sounds weird, so I’ll accept that maybe nobody will ever understand what it felt like. That’s okay though. I have accepted myself and love myself all the more for it now.
I am fine with not being understood anymore by others because at least i understand myself. It still very hard for my family to accept that this is a part of me. They spend their hours trying to convince me that there is nothing different about me and this is all in my head. I understand where they are coming from. It must be really hard for them having their child go through something like this in the kind of society that we live in. They neither wanna talk about it or have me tell them I’m okay with who I am. Every time the topic comes they literally say, “we don’t need to talk about this”. It hurts a little but it’s okay. They mean well. For now, I’ll settle to just me being the only person who understands me.
Now that I’ve accepted myself,I neither feel as hopeless, as i used to, nor do I find the need to devalue my life, the way I once did. True! There are still challenges and struggle still to come my way. This time though, I know how strong I am and I can face them because of what I have gone through so far has made me stronger.