I've Been Quiet

Depression: Feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

Despondency: A state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage

I once heard someone say "Kids can't have depression." I'm writing this to say: that's completely not true. Kids can have depression; they just don't show it the same way teens and adults do. I know this from personal experience.

Now, I'm not going to spill out my life story. I don't have that kind of time. I will say for the average person/teen, I've experienced quite a lot. I've had parents and siblings walk in and out of my life, which of course left me with issues of abandonment. I've had plenty of friends and family stab me in the back, and constant bullying ever since I started preschool.

I'm a vivid redhead, which means I stand out from a crowd. In every school, I've been in I was really the only redhead beside a few other kids who always tended to be more blond or brunette. Because of this I got in trouble easier, and was always picked out from teachers and adults. I even once was held back from a school trip that my mother had already paid for because a bully had told the teacher I had hit him. My mom didn't get her money back and I stayed in a room alone with a teacher who left me to do school work... I had no schoolwork, so I played with the toys.

My classmates got to go to a waterpark and have fun, including the bully, while I sat in a classroom all alone. That was really just one of many events where a teacher has chosen to believe a bully. And it's not like she didn't know the kid was bullying me, either. My mom had gone to my teacher and principal before.

But that's the American Education System for you. They don't give a shit about kids who are supposed to feel safe in a place where they go for 8 hours a day but end up going home crying. Believe it or not, 13 Reasons Why got it right.

Yes, even a 10-year-old can have depression.

By the time I was 10, I was having difficulty concentrating, I was irritable and angry, even lying for no reason because by then I didn't really feel like talking to my mom, and I was driving my 20-year-old sister, a new mom, crazy because of it. But that's just a few things I did, and a few things kids may do if they are showing signs of depression.

• Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness
• Social withdrawal
• Increased sensitivity to rejection
• Changes in appetite — either increased or decreased
• Changes in sleep — sleeplessness or excessive sleep
• Vocal outbursts or crying
• Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that don't respond to treatment
• Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

I was a kid and at the time I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was. It was 2009 and at the time, still, no one was talking about any form of mental illness. No one in my family had real experience with it all, so by the time I hit 12 I kept my mouth shut.

Of course, then I moved to Mississippi, only to have it turn around and bite me in the ass. Within a year and all before I turned 13 I was in full-blown depression and still had no idea what was going on. I thought I was going crazy. I thought the world hated me for no reason.

I mean, talk about luck (sarcasm-defence mechanism.) With teens, of course, we know more. We think about more. We'll do more things to relieve the pain, apain which of course can be dulled but will never go away. My sister suspected what was going on with me but I never talked. My mom worked long hours to keep a roof over our head and the water running.

At 18 years old, I will now struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be more open about my struggles and maybe help someone else who's going through it, too. Watch out for kids showing those signs. Had it been known when I was a kid or even talked about I might not have these struggles today.