If You Choose to Love Me

If you choose to love me, there are some things you should know. I have anxiety. And before you can say that it's all in my head, let me explain what it's like for me. Then you can choose.

My head is spinning. I'm here in the room, but my mind is miles away.

I have a wondering, worried, stressed-out, and anxiety-driven mind. I constantly live in a fear of self-doubt.

I can't explain what makes me this way. I can't tell you how this happened. Though, I can tell you, I wasn't always this way. I'm NOT always this way. I have a light inside me that burns to come out, and many times it does come out. But when it doesn't come out... I feel like I'm sinking. Like, I'm falling further and further away from the happy, outgoing girl that I know is there.

I'm scared of failing and losing. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I've been hurt and I know what it feels like to be unwanted... it sucks. It makes me nervous because I know that at any second, I could feel that way again. I need reassurance. I need to know that the people around me are going to look past my flaws.

Many times, I want to lay there. I want to give in to the anxiety because it takes so much out of me. I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. My heart is heavy, my mind is foggy and it's hard.

I put the smiles on and walk through this life. I want it to be real, but I have to leave it behind. I know I can push it away and I know I have something inside me that burns to take over, but I don't know how to let it. I think to myself, "I've got it. Today I will let it out." But then something happens.... My mind turns on.

If you choose to love me, know that it's difficult. I am ball of emotions most of the time. I will trust you with all my heart, but still question things. Don't think it's anything you've done, I just will never believe I am good enough for you. I'm sorry that for most of the time, I'll be worried and full of emotions and stress. My mind will keep reminding of all the wrong things I've done. I'll constantly remind you and myself that I'm never good enough for you. I'm sorry.

Many times, I'll be there in front of you, but I won't be there. My body will be, but my mind and soul are off somewhere else. I need you to know this is the anxiety. This is what it does to me.

I feel the drowning taking over and I can't stop it.

But since I have this in my head, I show you and prove to you that I love you more than anyone else. I will be loyal to you forever because I refuse to let anyone else feel that they are not good enough and I refuse to let anyone feel constantly worried like I do.

So, now you can choose. Now you have heard what it's like to be me with this in my head. What do you choose?

If you have anxiety, know that you are not alone. Life happens and many times, you want to give in and give up. Know that people around you are there for you. They may be going through it too, but are afraid to say something just like you are. Please take this and run with it. Be open to saying "I deal with this, but I still am living a wonderful life." Don't let the drowning win. Someone will choose to love you.