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I’m Okay

I’m not.

22419

“I’m okay.” I told my brother with a smile after he asked if I was feeling well. In all honestly, I’m not. I feel like I’m digging a hole and burying myself alive. Depression is getting me every time. It’s pulling me into an ocean of sadness. I just wanted to feel happiness again like I did a few days ago. Depression came knocking on my door saying it was time—time to knock me down again. Time to isolate myself from everyone that cares. Time to stay in my bed until a family member pulls me out. Time to sob at 3 AM to make sure no one hears you. It’s time. There was a knock on the door and I opened it to see depression. 

Depression slowly makes its way in. Slowly taking off its shoes and smiling at me. Depression pretends to be a friend. Depression welcomes itself home... Eating everything I had in the pantry or making a mess in the living room area. After an awkward silence moment, depression asked how I’m doing. “I’m o—" depression rudely interrupted me. 

“You’re not.” I looked at depression. “Cause if you were, I wouldn’t be here.” I looked at depression shocked. I didn’t know how to reply. I just felt emptiness. I could hear depression munching chips in my ear. As much as I wanted to speak I could not. I could not scream at it to tell depression to go and that I wanted to be alone... To tell depression, fuck you get out. 

Instead, my voice came out raspy. “Do you want something to drink?” As I welcomed depression in. I wished happiness would come in and interrupt us, but happiness is on vacation somewhere far away. Happiness doesn’t answer my phone calls. Happiness doesn’t get the emails. Happiness ghosted me and all I had was depression... Who usually comes unannounced. Depression stayed for a while. Walking around me like I was the sun and it was the Earth. Depression smiled at me when a tear was rolling down my face. It enjoyed me being lonely. I felt like depression was my only friend. Happiness wasn’t in the picture anymore. It felt like I never did have happiness in my life, like it got erased somehow.

Depression always reminded me of it. “You’re all alone and no where to go.” As it wiped my tears. “It’s okay cause I am here.” I didn’t want depression to be here. I wanted it gone. My phone rang. Depression took it away. “It’s not important.” I didn’t say anything since I had no energy, but to sit and look at the wall.

I missed happiness.

I wanted to text happiness again.

I missed it.

I wanted it.

(1) Missed call from happiness.

(3) Text messages from happiness.

I saw the phone buzzing, but did I wanted to reach it?

(2) Missed call from happiness.

(1) Voicemail from happiness.

Depression flipped my phone around. I looked at it.

“Hey, it’s happiness...” it started to play. “...I’m sorry I didn’t answer you earlier. I’ll be back in a couple days...”

Depression looked at me and I looked at it. “Seems to me we got a lot of time on our hands.” It's voice came out low and dark. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes tight.

“I need sleep.” I mumbled. I went to my room and lie in bed. All I could do was toss and turn as the clock on my wall ticked away. I could hear depression playing music in the living room and cranking up the volume.

I had enough and walked out to tell depression,

“Can you keep the volume down?” 

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