I’m Proud to Say That I Believe Those Words Now

If I had to explain my experience with mental health in one sentence, it would probably have something to do with me cracking jokes while in the midst of a full-blown psychotic episode.

BUT, lucky for you, I get more than just one sentence. And instead, I’m going to do something a little different than my normal posts. I’m going to tell you how it all started.

My mental health journey has heavily been about perspective. There was the world, and then there was me, somehow, I just didn’t seem fit into the equation. In a sense, it was as if I lived outside of natural laws—I was the “exception.”

My entire life, all I have wanted is to love everyone, to be there for everyone, to make everyone happy. When I was little, this was making cookies to sell to then send money to Haiti and in secondary school that translated into trying to piece together the brokenness that was closer and more tangible—my friends.

This is where I decided I no belonged in the equation. My inability to save my friends from their struggles made me inadequate and unworthy of love. I remember it like it was yesterday—Standing in front of the framed mirror, in tears, wondering why it wasn’t me that was hurting—hoping, praying, that I could bear their burdens, that I could take their suffering and hurt. That is the day my old friend depression started hanging out with me, whispering negative, harmful things all the time, and later she was joined by anxiety.

It’s been an odd journey full of highs and lows over the years, but like I said—perspective has played the most important role. Once anxiety and depression got a hold of me, I started to believe that I was worthless, and inadequate—that everyone was somehow created for a purpose that I somehow lacked. I saw my life and existence as a mistake.

The only mistake.

I found ways to blame issues as extreme as world hunger on myself. Obviously, some part of me knew that that was irrational, but a part of me believed… because I was THE mistake.

And I believed that I was outside of the “everyone is beautiful, your life has purpose if you’re breathing,” mantra that I recited to many struggling both online and off. My life felt like a pencil being sharpened from both ends.

And once again, this continued for a while and bled into other aspects of my life. I wasn’t excelling in school, I could dance and do sports but academically I was failing and GCSE’S were just around the corner and all I could think was ‘For goodness sake, surely I was a mistake.’ Nothing else explained it.

But that’s where I was wrong.

I wish I could tell you the moment it all changed, but I think, in fact, that it was a series of small events, but the end product was like the first day I got glasses. I was sitting in the passenger seat as we drove on the street I’d lived on for ten years, and for the first time I could see individual Christmas lights—I had clarity.

Nothing and nobody lives outside of the equation. We are ALL equals, none more valuable than the next. All beautiful, and wonderful, and WORTHY of love.

Having clarity brought a new perspective to my life, I was able to see the lies that I had been allowing into my head. The fears of being good enough, outweighing my drive to see happiness as achievable.

I’m not, by any means, saying a new pair of glasses will fix your life, some days anxiety is still debilitating and I still have ‘off’ days. I have to fight my head to order tea or make small talk with a stranger. Every day presents its challenges, but I know that I’m not an exception—there are no exceptions.

All of our lives have meaning, and I’m proud to say that I believe those words now.