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Hello. First of all thank you to anyone reading this who has read any of my previous pieces. If you are new I would like to say as I always do my English is not so great and my pieces are very opinionated and personal. If you can handle that then please read on and share your opinion with me. I have used the word insecure in my title because that is what I find I most identify with. I find it a tender subject to label anything I experience with terms of mental illness like anxiety or depression. I have always refused to go and have myself diagnosed with anything I potentially have because of the self fulfilling prophecy.
As I am sitting writing this my girlfriend is out clubbing with some friends. To most people this might sound like an average Saturday night out. For me it is mental torture.
I couldn't really tell you why it sets me off like this. Why it makes me so insecure and over anxious. A therapist I have recently seen informed me that I have a heightened awareness from a previous traumatic experience. Later on we discovered this was from a mugging when I was around 15 years old. They said a heightened sense of awareness can be a good thing, but before anymore words were said I knew that mine was tuned way too high.
Reading along you may wonder what any of this has to do with insecurity. Here is a short example of some things my subconscious has told me during the ten minute three train station journey in which I have written this.
- What if she goes off with another guy?
- What if she gets too drunk?
- What if she gets spiked or drugged?
- She is a third wheel, what if she gets bored and finds a guy for company?
- What if she decides not to come home and goes home with another guy?
- Would she be better without me?
- Would she be less stressed if I left?
That is only a short list of eight things. Now picture I have been at work for seven hours thinking this way.
I would like to pause here for a moment to express that this is not a call out for attention or sympathy. My aim here is to educate those who don't really understand what it is like to not control your own thoughts this way. All of those times I have heard "get over it" or "just don't think about it." Have you ever tried to not think about something? You don't have to experience any mental strain or suffer a mental illness to struggle to just not think about something. In reality by trying to avoid thinking about something you pay more attention to it and end up thinking about it more.
Now I would like you to try to imagine doing everything you can to not think about something but picture someone you don't like standing next to you whispering in your ear every time you get close to not thinking about it. They just keep bringing it up.
Also it isn't just her that I get like this about, it just happens to be the most major thing for me. Everyone has their own thing. It's ten thirty at night and I'm on the way home from work. Every time we approach a station my breath gets heavy and I get panicky about anyone who gets on the train until we leave the station. The same applies to bus journeys and walking at night.
You may have got this far and wonder why I am rambling about so much personal situations that probably don't apply to many other people. The aim is to make an example of how the most simple things are extremely stressful. As I've written this the next station on my train journey is Kingston where she is out. Even now my mind is now telling me such unrealistic things I could see outside which I am entirely aware would never happen. That's the biggest thing that bothers me about all of this. Being aware that the things that pop up in my head are false and there's nothing I can do to prevent myself thinking about it.
Now this next stage in the process is most likely very personal to those who deal with these things. For me personally after a while I find myself very angry or upset. This can last for hours and then randomly just switch off and go away. It isn't the thoughts as such that spark these feelings its the fact I cannot control them or make them go away and eventually it all becomes too much. I have previously seen a therapist for four weeks and I am currently diving head first into hypnotherapy. I say this because now I want to reach out to those suffering in silence. Reach out and get help. Its one of the best and most motivating choices I made. For months I sat and just hoped that maybe tomorrow would be a day where I felt better but that day never comes unless you take action. I am determined to get over it. I can barely go for one day dealing with this lifestyle let alone live my whole life with it. Help is good.