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Inside the Deep Hold of the Mind

The Slow Dissection of My Soul

My mind it's a rather curious thing.

Constant interactions with myself. This might make me sound crazy. Don't ponder on it too much, because I am crazy. I've come to terms with my mental illness these past few years. Just because I have a better grasp on how to control my mental illness does not mean I'm not crazy. If you were to look inside my mind and see the thousands of things that I think about on a daily basis, you too would agree with me. One good thing I can say about having these mental illnesses is that it has made me the person I am today. If anything it is made me become a stronger human being and much more patient and understanding. 

You may be wondering what the point of this article is. The point of this article is to give people and understanding of what living with a terrible mental illness everyday is like. To start off, each day can begin either happy or sad. It really depends on your mood the night before and the sleep you had. I can tell you right now if I was in a bad mood the night prior and only got 4 hours of sleep then I can guarantee you that my mental illness will take a hold of me all day long the next day. To understand this a little bit further people like myself get triggered by the most random things. The past can be a bitch and unfortunately as much as we want to forget the past it's always there, hiding. For instance, I could be having a great day, the sun could be out, and it could be 70 degrees. Then out of nowhere the wind could pick up and remind me of the time that I was outside helping my stepfather with his carpentry work, while being told that I'm a piece of shit and I can't do anything right. Just like that, triggered. 

Now understand that when a person in my situation has been triggered it means that the mood I was in prior to being triggered is now gone and all that's in my mind is Darkness. Just from that one memory could bring about dozens of other memories that would make me think that maybe I truly am a piece of shit. Unfortunately, when someone gets like this, there's not too much you can do to help them. The best thing that I've received as help is for your friend or partner to make it seem like you're not a burden. For them to have a keen understanding of what you're going through, and accepting it, it becomes a lot easier to deal with and it will go away quicker then if you were just by yourself. I'll be the first person to say that I hate people. But when you have a mental illness like the one I have, having someone who accepts you for who you are and refuses to leave your side during your episodes is nothing short of a miracle. Time and time again I've seen people leave or get annoyed because the situation was worse than imagined. They most likely felt it was a phase or something that people can just move on from over time. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are cases like that where you can get better, but as far as I've seen in my case, that has not happened. I'll leave you with this one last thought. If you have someone that cares for you and understands what you're going through and is unfazed by your illness, you hold on to them for as long as possible. 

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Inside the Deep Hold of the Mind
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