Insight on My Need for Meds

From the age of 12, I had insight as to why I needed medication. I’d see doctors at Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital where they would help me manage my diabetes. There was enough proof even then that I was competent enough to care for myself even if my mother tried to find some excuse, a primordial need, to take away my legal rights to custody of myself while I was a child. Even as young as 10 I knew I needed medication, but I didn’t get my first set of meds until the age of 20.

The thing is, they have tried but they’ve failed. I know I need meds, and I knew I needed medication when I’d talk too fast or too much as a victim of pressure of speech. A victim of everybody around me noting I needed medication but not having it from my family, a victim of their not wanting to bother with getting me a proper diagnosis. I mean, they just flat out decided I didn’t need help on that level. How utterly mean. Not getting your kid meds? Seriously? This is too evil for my readers to even stomach.

I’m telling you it is painful to know that your emotions affect other people, that you are messing yourself up without having medication to treat your feelings. It was almost a rule growing up that I’m not allowed to take medication. I have C-PTSD, which is chronic, and severe. It comes from constantly being abused, put in a bad situation while forced to function without medication. Sure, having a dog helped me survive the brutality of my childhood, but there is nothing I can do about this stuff in the present, instead of focusing on my ability to get a law degree so I can help kids in a similar situation.

You see, no friend back then offered to help me get a lawyer when I was in high school. Stuff went on in my family. They are untreated in the present. For those of you who cannot understand why they pull this, then you are in good company with my support group who wonders why they aren’t on medication. Yes, just imagine what I deal with; that is a constant lack of being in touch with reality, constant unawareness, constant symptoms of mania, depression, OCD, and more. How have they managed to stay out of the hospital?

How I’ve managed to stay out of the hospital myself all these years? I mean really, their no medication thing has to end sometime. I will eventually be the one in charge of this stuff if my visions will come to pass. I mean, there is so much I can do with my life despite my mental illness. I will be able to accomplish what it is I want to accomplish without my family sabotaging me if I succeed. That’s what generally sets them off when I’ve succeeded at something.

This is why I worry about them coming back. I’m trying to find ways of combating their need to remain untreated. Latinos are notorious mental health avoiders. They go out of their way to avoid mental health treatment. It is a stigma thing. People would stigmatize people less if people took their medication consistently. But no, some people don’t bother with that. I’m shocked. I know other people reading this are probably shocked. No worries, you see, I will someday be the one in charge if my visions about what will happen to come true. Sometimes I’m in the habit of avoiding my visions or ignoring them outright. There is nothing more painful for me than knowing I need medication to control my behavior but my past of not having any, remembering my past behavior through flashback. I wish I’d had meds growing up.