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Internal Dialogue With Anxiety & Depression

Wish It Would Stop

Rotting in this vicious cycle. Can't get the noise in my head off of repeat. A constant wrecking ball of unexpected masses smashing my happiness to smithereens. Never have been good enough for others, now it's time for me to be exceptional for myself. I am done having my boundaries dismantled every time I put the last brick in. This isn't the road I anticipated to be on. Filled with potholes of multiple guilt trips. Caring too much for others and never enough for me. Pushed too far over my limits that I've snapped without people noticing. Afraid to ask for help for so many reasons, yet I can't keep everything bottled inside. Needing to find out who I am instead of being told by the ones around me. There are times I wish I no longer existed. In a mind like mine, death doesn't seem selfish with all the pain, hurt, and agony that has been gone through. It's easy to say, "That it can't be that bad." Yet no one knows the hell that I've gone through. Yet, I remain for those who rely on me. That's my problem. I care too damn much for the people that care the least for me. They don't even notice, even when I tell them how much pain and torment I am going through. I haven't been taking care of myself the way I need to be. I have been putting the priorities of others before my own. This suffering in silence needs to end. Tired of being called selfish and inconsiderate for taking time for myself to refresh and take care of me. Filled with emotions that have pushed me to do the right thing for myself and the ones dear to my heart. Things going through my mind on a daily basis. I shouldn't have to apologize for who I am. I'm fully aware that I need to change, not for others, but for myself. So if I don't fit in your perfect mold of who you think I should be, then you should invest in a doll to better accommodate your needs. You don't even know who I am because you are so preoccupied with your assumptions. I am trying so hard to better myself by taking it one day at a time. The things I have been doing lately is for my sanity and overall well being. Tired of being condoned for the faults of others they see in themselves that they don't want to own up to. Want to get past the old ideology of being seen and not heard because it is taking a detrimental impact on my overall well being. Everyone is afraid to tell me the truth because of how I may react. I don't want anyone to hold back what they want to say to me. Lack of communication in my life is causing unnecessary stress. I just want to be normal. Yet what is normal? I've got so much on my shoulders that shouldn't be there that I need to get rid of. Ultimately, I need to stop having this internal dialogue on a daily basis. It's slowly killing me inside, this random torment that comes into my life. Becoming ever so impatient with myself that I don't know what to do. I am so indecisive, that I can't even decide. I'm trying to do what's right for me, yet I've been forced to believe for such a long time to put others first and myself last. Why do I have to be damned to others that don't even care have to be put in front of me? I don't deserve to be treated like I don't belong in this world. It's time that I defy the rules that have been laid in place for me. I shouldn't hold back any longer of what's on my mind and tell it how I see it. I am ready to fight for what I believe in, and not afraid to die for it.

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Internal Dialogue With Anxiety & Depression
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