Psyche logo

Issues with Mental Health

My Experience with Mental Health

By Jordan BolichPublished 6 years ago 10 min read
Like

We all suffer from mental health issues from time to time, but sometimes it can hit a person hard. As we all see in the news that celebrities end up committing suicide or have a drug addiction. This world can be a little overwhelming, to say the least. Being flooded by horrible stories and how people treat each other can definitely bring a person down. Other factors are outside forces, like financial issues, break up in relationships, etc...

I think it will be best for me to share my story dealing with mental illness. Millions of people go through it every day, so why not. I cannot promise you a better life, because I know some people have very significant trauma from early childhood and into adulthood. Most people do not want to ask for help (I've been there before) or usually they are attention-seeking, but for the ones that really need help, hear me out.

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety in my 20s. It comes and it goes. I was depressed in college and persevered through that, and I was depressed in my late 20s at a full-time job as a counselor. I know, it is a little weird that a counselor like myself is dealing with anxiety and depression. Most of the time, I was the one usually helping others with their mental health. I guess I can say that it took its toll on me.

I've been working in the mental health field for over three years now. I am a counselor at a treatment facility in Aurora, Colorado. I help run a unit with about 25 to 28 adolescents. They all are ordered by the Department of Youth Corrections and the Department of Human Services. Okay, now let me get right into it. The number one thing I came to notice about being depressed is that I get burned out easily. If you do not rest enough while being burned out, you will definitely feel the depression. Happens in athletes all the time. the list goes on in my career field, plenty of negative comments towards you and others, which leads to negative thoughts. I am just not a big fan of negative environments, but I have to work in it.

Another thing is dealing with too much stress. To much stress will lead to anxiety and when a person is feeling anxious and drinks stimulants or coffee, the anxiety gets worse and now you have to question yourself "What is wrong with me?" You try and keep up with stimulates because all the negative energy drains your energy, it is madness. I did not seem to notice this pattern in the beginning, but now it makes so much sense. I used to be able to cope with my anxiety with no issues, but another form of anxiety hit me and I was not aware of what it was. Turns out, I was dealing with physical symptoms of anxiety. I will explain the symptoms later on, but back to my story of depression.

Working with clients that are gang affiliated or clients with extreme anger and aggression is not fun sometimes. All these negative behaviors going on, I started to question the world. I started questioning why parents treat their kids horribly, or why kids are being so disrespectful, or why kids at the age of 15 have charges of attempted murder. I have heard so many horrible stories from kids, I could not take it anymore. I was working with a client that was eight years of age and he was saying the "N" word with anger. I am at a loss for words here.

The transference got so bad, I went through depression again. My anxiety was at an all-time high again. Here we go again folks, keep all hands and knees inside the ride, enjoy the nice scenery of rock bottom. I was at work for thirty minutes and my supervisor told me to go home. I was pacing back and forth in the hallway about to cry my eyes out. I could not even talk. I was biting my fingernails and I almost told my co-workers to "Shut the BLEEP up." I could feel it in my chest it hurt. I was drained and I questioned myself the whole day "What is wrong with me?"

A couple of weeks go by and I cannot bear to be at work anymore. Mind you, my schedule was 12-hour shifts and they were long let me tell you. Especially if you are dealing with a five-year-old kid with ADHD. I was burned out every week.

I developed suicidal ideation. I kept saying things like "If I kill myself now, I will be in peace." I thought about death plenty of times. One time, I was taking a shower and I was analyzing how I would tie my belt to the shower head. After I got out of the shower, I was staring at the shower head and I was also staring at my belt. I was looking back and forth between the shower head and my belt. I pictured myself hanging, then I pictured my brother walking in finding me, and last I pictured my parents finding out the news. Tough times I tell you.

I told myself that enough was enough. I had to leave my job because it was too much. I ended up getting a part-time job at UPS and I started delivery packages for Amazon through Amazon Flex just to make it by. This helped with my depression significantly. I guess I just needed to run away, but the story is not over yet. I was struggling financially and I could barely pay rent each month. It's like I got off the depression ride and rushed to get in line for the anxiety ride. That is the ride with all the flips and turns that make you want to vomit and faint, literally.

It's like I was out in the open sea looking for a boat to save me. I would sink in the ocean with no life vest and I would use all my energy to swim back up just to breathe. That was me working every day, knowing I can breathe a little bit at the end of every month after I had paid rent. The boats floating by were jobs. I had one boat pick me up, only to see they have kicked me right back in the ocean. I was a fish that could not snag on a fishing line. I think you get my point now. The jobs I was interested in, I did not get hired or did not even get a call to be interviewed.

I started hanging out with my old co-worker of mine and he convinced me to go back to work full time as a counselor. At this point, I had no choice. I needed to make some money and get my benefits back. I was a little nervous to come back because I was traumatized. As soon as I came back to work, my anxiety hit me hard and it was the physical symptoms I was telling about in earlier. I had faint and dizzy spells, heart palpitations, resting heart rate was at 100 bpm, racing thoughts, fatigue, and panic attacks of course. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

What contributed to my anxiety was that I had one of my best friends from college die in a fatal car accident, my grandfather passed away and I haven't seen him for years, Bills were piling on me. Oh yeah, social media did not help as well. So many people showing off and having fun, I wanted to be in their shoes. It was way too much for me to handle life and all the madness going on in the world. I was able to get prescribed Zoloft, an anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I was a little prideful about taking medication and thought I didn't need medication, but at this point I was desperate.

I must tell you, Zoloft has changed the game. At first, it was very difficult because of the mild side effects I was dealing with. I only had to experience it for at least a week. I was put on 50mg to start. I was going through blurred and double vision, low sex drive, irritability, insomnia (I was up 24 hours the first day I took Zoloft). I did not have suicidal ideation, but I did feel like I had this evil energy taking over me like I wanted to kill my brother, but I wasn't going to of course. I would get annoyed easily and I felt that I was ready to punch him in the face. I was still the same nice person that I am, I just felt weird.

I was told that taking Zoloft would take about two weeks to get rid of the side effects and about four to six weeks to actually kick in. That is exactly what it did and I feel like a superhuman cause of it. I must say, Zoloft has changed my life for the better and I want to emphasize how medication can actually help people in need. I haven't experienced any anxiety or panic attacks while being on Zoloft. I go to sleep just fine and I wake up just fine. I really do not have any racing thoughts or negative thoughts. it has made me more confident than ever. I will just talk to people on the streets feeling jolly and engage in conversations with no issues.

I do recommend SSRI's to people that are suffering, this could be your big break. I have been starting to run miles every day and enjoying life. I was in New York one weekend and I walked every block in New York City and I wasn't sore the next day. This is an interesting medication. I forgot to mention this earlier, another side effect is that your ears will pop and also ring randomly, but it won't last for long.

I always tell myself "Sometimes I have to go through a storm to make things better." I wanted to stop taking Zoloft after the fourth day because of the evil energy I was feeling, but I kept going every day and it was well worth it. I still take it every day and I've been chilling ever since. It's a wonderful "chill" pill. Funny thing about taking this medication is that I recalled a lot of memories of what I did months and even years ago, vividly. I remember when I was five years old, my dad took me to a basketball game, and I ate pizza with green chili on it. As I got home, I vomited on the floor. I remember every little thing vividly.

Mental health will always be frustrating to me. I would love to reach out to others, but many do not want help or the pride gets in the way, they feel embarrassed. It's okay to feel this way, it is all natural baby. Anybody that is suffering from mental health, it is okay to vent. I believe you just need to vent to someone. It is easy as just talking to somebody. For the people that aren't suffering, just know that you need to listen and show empathy and find ways to bring different topics to discuss or just hanging out with that person. They love that and will appreciate you.

For others, it is not that easy. Some just cannot find a way out. My uncle committed suicide. He suffered for years. I was younger at the time of his death, so my ignorance about mental health was very high. I guess a person has to go through it in order to understand. Seems like that is the only way. Just know that you are not the only one and there is hope in this world. I am signing off, please do what makes you happy.

Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.