It Gets Better

Ever feel like nobody can relate to you? Like you're alone in this world? Like nothing you do matters? Feel as if the whole world hates you? And makes everything harder specifically for you? If so... you're not alone.

For as long as I can remember I was bullied, I was always made fun of. I couldn't think of a reason why, why me? I was a kind, sweet, shy, playful little girl. Eventually, I started having really bad thoughts. I began feeling like everything bad that happened was my fault. I felt like everything going wrong in this world was somehow my fault. I felt like everything would be better if I was gone. Meanwhile, I was only maybe six years old.

Before I even knew that suicide was a thing, I kept thinking to myself, "I want to die. I don't wanna be here. I wanna run away." And to six-year-old little me, running away and dying were virtually the same things. Never seeing your family again, not being able to come back from where you are. I thought that if I went through with it everything would be OK again. Everybody would be smiling, there wouldn't be anything wrong in the world anymore because I'd be gone.

Middle school made everything worse. I already had maybe two friends throughout my life, and in middle school, we separated a bit since we were all in different classes. This made everything worse. I was the joke of the class and of the grade. My brother was two grades above me in the same school, but what was I going to tell him? "Make them stop"? Like that would help. He only saw me at lunch and again at home. Great. I was crying into my pillow every night, trying to be as silent as possible, hoping that my brothers wouldn't hear me. Hoping my parents wouldn't come into my room and ask what's wrong. Hoping that everything would just end every single night.

I guess middle school is what pushed me to hurt myself... The scars I have now, I used to try my hardest to hide them. How was I going to explain them? "I was in a really bad place" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore. I hid it from my friends and family. I feel like they want to know my story, but whenever I told someone my story, or even fragments of it, it always seemed to backfire onto me. So, I distanced myself. I kept to myself. At the same time, I tried to get the best grades I could, getting A's and B's since it was the only way to ignore everyone. I kept losing focus though, doodling into my notebooks, writing poems, and listening to music.

By eighth grade, I gained two new friends. "Whoo-hoo" was what we always seemed to say. They made me happy, making me feel like maybe I wasn't drowning into the dark abyss of life. They even helped me get through the death of my grandparents. Then we graduated, and we all kept in contact, even to this day. But we aren't as close as we used to be. Then came high school...

High school...Time to figure out who you're going to be. Right? Well, I started feeling like everyone and everything hated me again. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy. I got my first boyfriend actually though in all of the madness. I didn't know how to love him though..not the way he loved me. I hurt him... I hurt him for three years. I wish I could take it all back. I still sometimes feel like I should be saying sorry to him, even though he's happy now.

The one good thing that came out of freshman year is that I started doing music: singing and playing instruments. It's given me multiple opportunities, giving me the chance to see things more colorful. I can say music saved my life. It definitely stopped me from hurting myself again.

Throughout high school, I ended up cutting classes a few times. I guess it was easier to get away from everyone than it was to confront them. It was easier to run away, run away from all the bullsh*t.

Sophomore year, I started hanging out with "SQUAD!" (that's what we shouted all the time). My little group... The group changed over time, people came and left. Some graduated, some distanced themselves. There were times where I knew I was the laughing stock of the group. There were times where I knew that at least one of them were talking behind my back, but I ignored it. Why did I ignore it? I knew I didn't belong most of the time, so why didn't I just leave? I guess 'cause they're the only people I could say I knew, and I felt like I could loosen up a bit... It was all about comfort, and they were my safety blanket. Even when we all had our problems, we all made sure everyone was OK. They made sure I was OK... Me, out of everyone. The insignificant little girl in this big scary world, in the concrete jungle of NYC that we seemed to call home.

By senior year, my mental health finally caught up with my physical health. My physical health began to decline more and more. I needed X-rays, a CAT scan, I needed psychiatric evaluations, I needed a lot. I went to OGBYN, I went to the hospital a few times, I went to the ER maybe once or twice. It just wasn't my year, I guess.

Senior year, I just kept getting bad news. I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I found out I had minor scoliosis, I got hit by a car and had really bad PTOS, I was and still am having terrible muscle pain, not to mention my mom was just starting to work again and she was scared she might've had cancer (thank god, she doesn't). Then, later that year I found out I had gastritis, a hernia, and esophagitis (I still do, but I'm getting better). Everything was hitting me all at once.

When November (2016) hit, I was singing hallelujah. One of my friends and I started getting closer. We were in calls almost every night, we were talking and texting more often, everything was looking up. In January, we kissed, we started dating on the 23rd and I was the happiest girl in the world (and still am). He's helped me through everything, he knows everything about me, and he accepts me. He pushes me, he drives me to better myself. Without him, I feel like I'd be lost. I don't know what I would've done without him. Now, I'm in college, I'm doing the best that I can, and after a stressful day I get to call him and talk to him all night.

Life gets better guys, I promise.