It's Okay to Be in Pain

One of my goals as a counselor has been to do my best to shatter destructive societal belief systems. I can think of no belief stronger and more deeply ingrained in the human psyche than, "It is not okay to be in pain."

Basically, the name of the game is to avoid all pain, at all costs. What could be more natural? Pain feels bad and we naturally want to feel good. As complicated as human beings have become, we are still very simple.

When we are in the throes of heartbreak or depression, we can find ourselves reaching for any number of things to dull or ease the pain, even for a few minutes or seconds. It can feel like a fight or flight situation. We have to either run away from the painful feeling or fight to get rid of it.

It doesn't take too much experience to see where this leads. The more people try to avoid or suppress their pain, the more pain ends up being created. It is a lot like financial debt. We want to avoid facing the reality of a maxed-out credit card so we go on a shopping spree.

Emotional debt gets paid off by simply facing it head-on. We can earnestly turn inward and acknowledge the reality that we have been conditioned to deny. Little by little the pain begins to dissipate with our loving attention and mindful presence.

When facing the pain becomes too overwhelming, the conditioned urge can kick back in. We may find ourselves running and grasping for familiar comforts and even addictions. At some point, everything seems to lose its efficacy in providing even short-term relief. The desire to truly heal the pain at its root becomes stronger than the desire to avoid it.

This is a real turning point in the course of a person's evolutionary journey. The ability to defer instant gratification is a much needed but seldom exercised skill for the majority of the population. We need to understand the importance of using the time we have in the present to help ourselves transform into what we are destined to become.

I often liken pain to a cocoon. It is dark, cramped, and limiting. We feel trapped inside and are scrabbling to emerge back into the world. If we realize that we are destined to eventually break out and fly it can make the time spent healing the pain that much easier and more bearable.

The myriad ways that society prescribes to deal with pain may all have their place, temporarily. I think of these things as training wheels. It can be too overwhelming to face too much pain, all at once. For many people, there is a gradual process of letting go of crutches and vices and getting used to simply facing and feeling what needs to be felt. Meditation is a great way to do this and has many other health benefits as well.

The reality is that it is not only okay to feel our pain; it is a necessary part of our maturation and evolution as individuals and as a society. When people are convinced that it is not okay to feel what they're feeling, all manner of discord and violence can happen. The wars and conflict in the world have their origin within each of us.

Healing our pain on an individual level is like cleaning up our share of the mess. Trying to convince the world to change is a recipe for further pain and conflict. This article is simply a reminder that it is okay to be in pain and it is okay to consciously feel that pain. A joyful irony that we begin to realize is that pain is not nearly as painful when we face it as it is when we try to avoid it.

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