It's Only Energy

As I sat amid one of the darkest and most painful experiences of my life, trying to create some sense of normalcy out of anything at all, I put a piece of jewelry in my mouth and bit down to close the clasp. Suddenly, I gasped in mortification at a crunching sound and my inner critic barked out obscenities at me inside my head which sent me into floods of tears—I’d broken off my front teeth! It occurred to me for the very first time in my life that maybe teeth were not supposed to be used as pliers at all and I wondered in awe how I’d never recognised that fact before but such was my horror and I was in such a dark place inside, all I could do with any of it right then was shame myself and hate myself even more. I had no resources to do anything any differently and my neural networks were conditioned for criticism, shaming, nastiness, abuse, and self-loathing—it’s all I’d ever known by the age of thirty five. I was an exemplary student for the teachers I’d had in those lessons and I had Mastered the art well. Being kind, gentle, and loving to myself was a complete mystery to me then, and I was afraid of anyone else who didn’t abuse me too, often avoiding anyone who seemed "nice." I was sure that if I went near "nice" people, they’d see my "stains" or that something dark about me would infect them. Here I was finally sitting with someone "nice" and allowing them in and I broke my smile! The last minuscule speck of self-respect I had been holding onto shattered along with my front teeth in that moment and I surrendered all pretense at sanity right there and then, it was the final straw for me after months of humiliation, tragedy, and losses. I truly felt as if I had nothing left to be and it would be another 12 years before I would recognise the gift of that night at all.

During the next 12 years I fought to get back up and rewired my mind for love. Being broken like a wild filly, took away a lot of the ego-prison I’d built and I learned from new teachers how to care about and nurture myself. It suddenly seemed as if angels appeared everywhere I went and offered help and guidance. It was hard, lonely, confusing, brutal work at times, but I thrived and soared and the abuse and abusers fell away like overused sandbags jettisoned from a hot air balloon. I felt love and I loved it. I hid my smile whenever it found its way to my broken mouth and I hated having pictures taken. I wasn’t able yet to let go of the standard I had for my egoic image of myself and so I avoided it as best I could until someone invited me to sing in public. It was, in hindsight, probably one of only two things that could bring me beyond my fear of being seen with half my smile missing, the other being love for my kids. I sang and forgot those teeth as a huge, searing and golden energy shot through me, filling me and pouring up through me to a place far beyond what my mind could conceive as reality, or as space. The sound radiated out of me in sonorous wonder as I opened my heart and parked my mind in a corner with a single task: focus on remembering words and breath only, forget all else. At some point I allowed myself to look at the audience and they were all crying, every single one of them. For a tiny second I wavered until my heart felt their joy and then I retreated back into the bliss of sound and love, a place where no thing is matter and nothing truly matters. I was in heaven. I sang regularly after that until a few years later when I succumbed to someone else’s idea that my singing was not masterful and that I was only singing to fluff my own ego. I’d had my teeth repaired finally and began to take pride in my appearance again. It was actually really nice to have that experience and not hate myself for looking nice, or fear that I would be abused more if I looked pretty. I’d spent 40 years by then trying not to be noticed for my looks lest I get hurt even more, and now that I knew that my looks had nothing to do with what had happened, I could assign responsibility to its rightful owners. That was a heavy weight to lift off and I soared even higher.

Heaven became hell and life began to feel heavy again at about 46, after a nasty few months in what I had learned to consider my "safe place." I’m so grateful for it now because of the huge growth and learning that has come from it and the miracles that have emerged daily since but I was agonised by it at the time. I feel very fortunate for the faith I had built by then which saw me through, mostly the faith in myself. During the past three years I’ve reached the bottom of the bottom of the bottom many times and I’ve held tight to myself every step of the way. I know that the egoic holding I used to do is no longer necessary or helpful even though it was before. This time is different and I am not who I thought I was then. This time is more like leaping off cliffs, base jumping, paragliding, diving the abyss, or floating into outer space. This time is a do-over, a time for surrender and acceptance, for new commitment and for self-love. During the last period of rising up, I had been supportive of others and been supported by others as new neurons and neural pathways formed in my brain and nervous system for love. Almost all support fell away in an instant and I went into a hibernation to nurture the tatters of my egoic nature and strengthen the bond of faith I’d been tentatively building up to then. As I did that, a new light filled me out to a space beyond self and all else and has been slowly and deliberately peeling away the old, false illusions I’d held for so long about what I had thought was real and replacing it all with peace and contentment.

This morning I awoke to a peace of front tooth broken off and my inner-child became afraid. The memory of that night about 15 years ago came to mind and as the energy rushed into my nervous system I breathed into it: “It’s okay my love, it’s only energy.” Immediately I felt calm and saw that broken teeth do not affect anything about who I am, I am not my teeth, nor am I an image with teeth. I love me unconditionally and no breakage changes that. I’m here for me through thick and thin and l’m not letting go of that love inside anymore. Teeth are only energy, love is only energy, I am only energy, and so is all else, so I breathe—and all is okay in my world today. Namaste and blessings.