It's Only Weird If You Let It Be

My depression really set in today.

I felt it coming the past few days. And than yesterday just got upset about stupidity at work.

And just wanted to be upset so I let it soak in.

After a little bit I knew the reason I was originally upset had fizzed out.

And at that point I had a choice...

I could either be done with being upset,you know, like normal people, or really dig in.

And man did I plant my heels and become immovable.

I was upset and I was gonna remain upset about anything and everything I could.

Only problem.

I hadn't had a real bad depression episode in quite awhile. I think I forgot just how much that darkness loves to grab hold of anything and everything it can, no matter how meaningless.

It did.

I dug in.

And it took hold.

Till I no longer had a choice whether I was upset or not.

I drove to my shop at the end of the day thinking, 'Man these people are stupid, let me just keep being upset about it.'

I drove home from the shop trying not to cry, thinking, 'Just screw it. Just... done. I want to be done. I need to be done. I am just... tired of having to put forth so much effort to just have a lackluster existence.'

I kept to myself the rest of the night. Let my wife bathe and put the kids to bed, which is my thing. I do my dad jokes and one-liners. Me and the kids laugh.

We do a story.

Talk about what we need to thank Jehovah God for.

Say prayer.

Kiss and hug them countless times.

"Good night, sweet dreams, stay warm, love you guys." About 1 billion blown kisses. Answer the repetitive questions every night.

"You didn't give me kisses."

"Yes I did."

"I want more kisses."

"You're good. I gave you tons of kisses."

"Are you gonna leave the door cracked?"

"Yes baby."

"Are you going to open it when you go to bed?"

"Yes baby."

"Night guys. Love you. Sleep tight and sweet dreams."

...

...

Not that night.

I just sat on the couch, ate food, and drank whiskey.

1

2

4

6

It was rather cute and funny watching my wife try not to be annoying and ask that one sentence that is the most infuriating line that can leave a person's lips.

"What's wrong?"

Been asked that my whole life and never had an answer.

Now I know.

But I'm never going to say, "I wanted to be upset because the chemicals in my brain are out of whack and I was being petty but now my stupidity and lifelong diseases have jumped on board and I'm just a breeze away from breaking down and crying, yelling, or killing myself. And I don't have much control right now about which one I'll choose."

I say,

"Nothing."

Or if I'm feeling extra open and in a sharing mood,

"Just had a hard day."

My wife just makes small talk than comes and cuddles against me. We both have a few more drinks.

By the end of the night, I'm feeling a lot better and thank her for cuddling me. I feel a lot better.

...

...

...

I just wake up upset.

Irritated.

On the brink of flying off the handle and slapping somebody.

Which isn't the best mindset to start in when you have a four-year-old daughter and two-year-old son.

They're kids.

Their whole existence at this point is doing dumb, irritating stuff.

My wife's at work so it's on me to feed them and make sure they don't die. Which, before you have kids, you think wouldn't be that hard. But then you find out kids are little suicide bombers running around teetering the line of life and death every second.

Putting anything and everything in their mouths, even if you specifically told them not to.

...

I'm on the brink of emotionally and physically losing it.

Kids' ears don't work half the time.

So by the 100th time of putting one or both of them in the corner, cause I'm literally worried about what would happen if I spanked them when I'm this upset and irritated, I say we're going outside...

...

...

...

There's something about the warm sun and air, and whiskey before noon, that'll really calm you down.

They're adorable running around and playing.

And I'm actually enjoying not being miserable on the couch freezing, when I'm in a depressed state I'm always cold. Enjoying actually feeling a little better.

Which sounds like a no-brainer. But most the time I don't want to be better.

If anything, I want to get worse.

I can't explain it.

It's just part of... the disease, this life... just is.

And I rarelly have full control of it...

But right now.

After sitting outside, making myself pick up all the trash out of my yard, playing with the dog and kids, I feel... OK.